Thursday, 14 March 2019

In This Corner........



How long
And
What 
Would it take
 To say

You're
Precious
In
Your 
Unique way

An archway
Beckons
Each stone
Fashioned
with Love

Will you 
Allow
Conveyance 
Of the 
Fist 
In the velvet
Glove

A Heroes journey
Your life
Right 
From the start

Each day
Then to reveal
Faceted
Mystery's part

Dragging
To and fro
An idol-ladened cart

Temple 
In disrepair
Your
Sacred heart

Be of 
Good cheer
Not 
All is lost

Though
What you've
Paid is high

You
Are not
The cost


Venture
To where
You 
Were exiled

Release
Indoctrination
In layers piled

For 
Guidance
From 
Your spirit
Wild

Invite 
Reconnection
With
Your
Inner child



R. O'Neill (March 14, 2019)














Monday, 11 March 2019

Jailhouse Mock



Oh 
To roam
Free
Beyond 
The 
Walls 
Of 
Tyranical
Mind

Visitors
Discouraged
Very 
Few furloughs
Granted

Will 
My fate
Then

Be to 
Languish

Until
My last 
Breath

In 
A solitary exile
Within
A prison

Rumoured to 
Have been

Engineered & erected
For 
My protection.

Echoing 
Through the corridors

The taunting 
Refrain

Of
A Love 
That offers
Release

Which 
Remains 
Near enough
To taste

But 
Forever
Out of
Reach

R. O'Neill (March 11, 2019)

Unlikely Hero




Before declaring
A life
of
Liberty;
Strong & Free

One is behooved
To take
 A look 
and See

A veritable prison
Erected
Not 
Simile

Must know
Lock's form
To
Make use 
of
It's key

Walls woven
Of
Blame, Shame, & Guilt
Spin
Perspective
To 
Their 
Biased tilt

Take a step
Towards my heart 
Steel 
My will
Good intention
No small part

Before long
The vision's
In a heep

Stoke 
The fires
Prolonging
The victim's
Steep

Admonishment
Deflation
Contempt
Confusion

Instead 
Of 
Cards well played

Collision
With 
Illusion

Black & white
A world divided
Psyche fractured
Shadow in hiding

Incarnated
With a
Mission charted

Engaged
A "Kool-aid" laced sleep
Woke broken-hearted

Your God and flag
Manifesto & leaning
Leave me
Ravenous

Devoid of
Any true
Meaning

I lack
Qualifications
To
Be a leader

Won't
Accept
Status assigned
Of
Bottom-feeder

The
Pedestal
Reduced
To rubble

A foundation
Laid
on bedrock
Of
Zero

A cry
Rings out
Throughout
The
Heavens

Ready
Or not
You are
The hero


R. O'Neill (March 11, 2019)






Thursday, 28 February 2019

Present and Accounted For.....

I wonder, how much time do I have left "on the dirt ball." There where many years when I couldn't have cared less and I lived accordingly. Of course some percentage could be attributed to the erroneous sense of immortality, that is youth. Still through employing the tenants of the "examined life" I realize I carried what might be considered more pain than is typical for a young child. Choosing to mitigate that pain through what became addiction created a dynamic tension between oblivion and fanning the flames of the existing pain while digging the hole ever deeper.

I'm not in such a big hurry to "get off or out" anymore - though I currently wonder if the pain that had me looking to "break on through" in some melodramatic, cataclysmic, grandiose manner was ever really mitigated or did I just "buy in" - hook, line and sinker to a societal story that would still posit success, sobriety, spirituality outside myself. Proof of it attainment the trappings of the material world.

How much of the "work" I've done around healing has been directed at the roots - how much represented the veneer. How much forwarded the journey, how much was a distraction and/or was utilized to shore up a nebulous identity in an attempt to provide form (which of course doesn't ensure substance).

It no longer matters to me that I am awash in a world of addiction - it is perpetuated in chronic superficiality, distraction, denial and disassociation every way I turn. I'm powerless to affect any change for anyone else - it's not my business what people eat, drink, stick in their arm, (or up their ass) over-spending, compulsive internet, addiction to rage ... the list is infinite actually. The unlimited power of creativity can most certainly be hijacked to imagine, a new way to numb-out. I can only do anything about my addiction and it's no consolation whether others around me carry on with theirs.

I think of the time I have spent on social media... I didn't want anything to do with it, not so very long ago. When I heard about it, I couldn't imagine what the point was. Then I met some extended family and they suggested I sign up "to keep in touch." And so it began..... There is the occasional keeping in touch, the odd time a brief connection with someone in another part of the world ... then there is "the abyss..."

I convinced myself of the value of some of the "inspirational articles," posts - both that I have read and posted, sometimes what I have offered is some sort of information - sometimes just something humorous and others just plain shite.

I need to be more discerning - I certainly need to refrain from engaging in "discussions," text message is no way to discuss anything - nothing is taken in context, there is no opportunity to seek clarity, before responding ... missing entirely is body language, vocal inflection (heart and soul ). I can ill afford the time, nor the aggravation.

I typically post things that have some sort of resonate theme (for me) in addition I will sometimes add some sort of personal reflection. I'm not trying to change anyone's point of view. I know for me I sometimes get something further to consider through these posts. Trying to reach understanding through text is fruitless (it can be challenging enough in person). I'm never going to agree with everything that others are trying to present as truth. Many won't agree with my point of view. I believe my policy will become, I will consider what someone has said - take what I need & leave the rest - and most importantly, detach from the need to enter the "debate." There is no expansion attained, no healing, no mutual understanding and often no connection is made, maintained or fostered. It's just lost time.

Will I disappear from Facebook altogether... time will tell. I seek freedom from addiction/compulsive behaviour - if I can utilize social media in a measured useful fashion, so be it, if not then, it's got to go.

R. O'Neill (February 28, 2019)

Wednesday, 27 February 2019

A Short Story........

How can I best encapsulate the matter of compassion, while, within this explorative expression, actually embody compassion?

The notion came to me as I was thinning out some of the emails in my "inbox" - I suppose an act in itself that is a measured step toward "manageability" - as such; lessening the assault, clutter enacts upon my soul. While doing so I scanned an email containing "writing prompts" the challenge was, 100 words on compassion - exactly.

At first blush, it occurred to me that self-censorship was actually lacking in compassion. But then I considered the plight of the reader.

The beginning........


R. O'Neill (February 27, 2019)

Monday, 25 February 2019

The Ride of My Life

Personal development, "spiritual," and "healing" paths; seem to be replete, with the idea that one expand their heart (of course after they verify, that one actually exists). Today being brilliant clear and sunny albeit brisk day I decided this would be the day that not only would I go to the gym I would ride my bicycle there. My physical activity levels have been in a slump for quite sometime now, except for walking (which is very consistent) & the gym very sporadically it my commitment had faltered.

I had put air in the tires of my bike a few weeks ago.. & then the snow hit. All but gone now, it was time to jumpstart my fitness levels. I don't know how long it has been since I rode my bike with any consistency - let alone, at all.

As it turns out from my place no matter which way I go to the gym it would involve a hill. So it was a matter of choosing the one that would be propose the least assault on my being. I set out with enthusiasm. The air was crisp and the wind was cutting right through my multilayered attire. I was maybe (to be generous) half way up the hill - when my legs were "feeling the burn" (and they were none to pleased about it... if they could talk they might have said, "I thought we were over the need to  invite this sort of intensity in....." - "let Pele feel the burn, these are the legs of a mere mortal!!"

The faltering legs were soon joined by (& now to tie in the heart expansion reference) the feeling that not only was my heart "expanding" - it was on the brink of exploding! It became abundantly clear this was becoming one of those "good intentions" are a far cry from putting something into "action." Having the bike sitting in the entrance way of my condo (as a "visual reminder" & motivator) for God knows how long, does not in any way, shape, or form prepare me to tackle a hill. I used to ride up that hill with not nearly that much duress. It certainly was a good reminder that fitness has nothing to do with what you used to do, to maintain it. It's as true now as ever, "if you don't use it, ya lose it!!"

When I was able to pull over and dismount I did so, and walked my bike up the rest of the hill, on the sidewalk. My legs were still throbbing and burning - walking on them felt as though there was nothing much in the way of stability beneath me. I got to the crest of the hill and mounted my bike once again. My chest was still heaving and I'd have though my heart was both visible through all my clothing & if you were close enough - it's wild rhythms would have been audible.

I know from my trainer/training days that "active" recovery (after an interval of intensity) is preferable to just stopping. The rest of the route was relatively flat and I chose gears that required a little effort by the rest of the ride was more enjoyable and allowed my heart and breathing rate to restore to something more like normal.

I was happy to break the considerable inertia around getting started again... Of course though a significant hurdle ... it's all for nought if I don't maintain some regularity. Ideally I would be on the bike again day after tomorrow (and gradually build up a fitness base again).

Speaking of wellness/fitness the trip to the gym was uneventful (other than the acute de-conditioning)  However a jaunt to the health food store on the way home and the ride to my place was fraught with three separate incidents which could have been quite contrary to my quest for wellness.

In one case a women drove up along side me and then just as she got just past me she whips a right hand turn right across my path. In the health food market parking lot I was riding behind a car that had just backed out of his parking spot once he proceeded, this guy was about to just crank it into the same parking spot - the only problem being I would have been that bump he felt as he pulled in.
The last one was another women that coming the opposite direction and she made a left hand turn (well after her "advanced green" had ended; right across my path and through the cross walk where pedestrians had already began to cross the road.

Fortunately for me (none of these errant moves resulted my bodily harm to me). I walk regularly, I fully intend to resume some percentage of bicycle commuting (errands, or just a ride), I also drive an automobile and ride a motor cycle and quite frequently use public transit. I therefore submit I don't have a particular bias for any single convenience (unless of course you count the one that would exist specifically when my life is threatened while I'm doing any one of them).

I suppose in the estimation of some, if I were a good "spiritual guy" I'd have compassion for the stress levels of these drivers and realize that all that they have to contend with in their lives, compels them to feel rushed and pressured.

You know what?? Fuck that! In the case of all these drivers today... I let them know in no uncertain terms that they were encroaching upon my physical space ... and to back the fuck off and wake the fuck up!! The sunny day prompted these drivers to have their windows rolled down, which was conducive to my being able to express my sentiments in no uncertain terms. When you arrive at the drive through coffee lane... allow me to buy you a super-sized extra hot, double-whipped cup of, fuck you and the horse you rode into town on!!

I don't give a shit who you are, your schedule/agenda, is not more important than my life (or the life of anyone else, that must navigate the roads; in constant peril, brought on by the clear and present danger, of unconscious, just plain ignorant & wreckless drivers..

This is not just the occasional over sight, drivers are rapidly becoming more offensive & more aggressive; wielding their vehicle like a weapon.

Cyclist, pedestrians, motorcyclist, those that ride transit; all pay taxes too - so get off your entitled high horse and start driving like the privilege it is

So slow down, leave earlier, have a little patience or park the damn car!!

Your double-double, honey-glazed cruller or caramel crappacino will still be there when you get there and maybe the rest of us will live to see our destination too!!

Om Shanti!!


R. O'Neill (Feb. 25, 2019)

Tuesday, 19 February 2019

Self Portrait (Appreciation for a Path to Self-Love)



What I thought
I learned
From 
My adoption
I am
Disposable
Unwanted
Flawed
Illegitimate

What I thought
I learned
From
Attending
Catholic
Private school
As an 
Anglican
Was 
Race and Sectarian
Bullying
Hatred
Intolerance

What I thought
I learned
Picking up
The first drink
At thirteen
Was
All the pain
Went away
For the 
Next fifteen years
Whatever
The question
Drugs/alcohol
Was the answer

What I thought 
I learned
Was 
How to belong
Who I was
How to 
Override 
The abysmal shame

I thought
This was
The nectar 
Of the Gods
The key 
To Life
The answer 
To my prayers

I learned
It was 
The final 
Betrayal
It stripped
Me bare
Of anything 
That remained
That held
Even 
The potential
To be 
Valued

A full life
Review
At 
Twenty eight
Determined
The 
Self-loathing
Self-destructive
Path
Was to
Crescendo
With
Lethal
Certainty

I was
Offered
An alternative
From 
An unknown
Source

What I 
Learned
Was
I don't
Know
What 
I don't know 

Thirty plus years
Seeking
A spiritual 
Answer 

What I 
Have learned
In 
An ebb & flowing
Experience
Is 

There continues
To be:

Intolerance
Hatred
Divisiveness
Bullying
Judgment
Ignorance
Scapegoating
Denial
Vengeance 
Violence
Betrayal
Coercion
Dishonesty
Shaming
Racism
Sexism
Ageism
Exclusion
Delusion
Despair
Disconnection

From 
Within
The holy walls

In contrast
I have known:

Wonder
Ecstacy
Awe
Gratitude
Curiosity
Creativity 
Integrity
Honour
Courage
Intimacy
Authenticity
Leadership
Strength
Inclusion
Compassion
Empathy
Wisdom
Hope
Belonging
Connection

Within
The same
Holy Walls

What 
I learned

I am
Those 
Holy walls
That 
Contains
It all

Was it 
All then
For naught?

When 
All is lost
Of 
An illusory
Love
There 
Remains only
To 
Turn 
And face
My Creator

Look directly
Into 
The eyes 
Of Love

And 
Surrender
My will
And 
My life

My Creator
May you
Now take
All of me
That 
I might
Go forth
In your image
As an expression
Of your 
Love
Beginning 
With me
Directed 
By 
Your Will

Let it 
Be Done

Thank you..


R. O'Neill (Feb 19, 2019)