Thursday, 18 October 2018

No Food for Thought........

I was reminded this morning of my intention/commitment to remotely participating in the "MooseHide Campaign" being held in Ottawa. I actively took part in the local event last year (or earlier this year) and wanted to continue to direct my energy toward it.

My participation was to take the form of fasting. (along with the, mostly men, that would be doing the same at the "national event.")

Briefly for those not aware of this campaign (in Canada) a First Nation's father & his daughter started this (what has become a movement) to address violence toward women & children in First Nation's communities. They created small moose hide patches that can be pinned to your clothing. The wearing of the patch signifies that as a man, you commit to and end to violence toward women & children, by men. The movement has expanded to include violence toward women & children throughout all cultures (as it certainly not an issue that is exclusive to First Nation's).

Not so long ago they distributed their one millionth moose hide pin. Not only do I see this as a very necessary and worthwhile undertaking; it is inspiring to realize, the impact this is having in terms of sheer numbers of lives impacted, through raised awareness, from the vision of two people.

I didn't get wind of today being the date until after I had already had a couple cups of decaf. My experience with expressing "interest" toward events posted on Facebook is that I don't see any mention of it again until the day is upon me. Perhaps that is something I could adjust in the settings somewhere. Anyway at least I hadn't eaten anything yet so I could still honour my intention to "fast."

I may never know what my seemingly indirect involvement in this event nearly 3600 kms. away by plane might accomplish. When participating in the local event which included a gathering with speakers and breakout groups for participants to engage with each other and toward the end of the proceedings there was "break the fast" ceremony & a delicious buffet dinner afterward. All that to say, there was a more tangible sense for me of being part of something.

As it stands, I've now not had anything to eat, for 14hrs. (my intention to break my fast being another  3 hrs. away). I've added the stats for context. So that now, when I say I'm doing what I can to not make this act of solidarity - only about food & my hunger; the time references won't be contradictory.

The lack of food or focus on attaining and having food, throughout the day, does give me a window of opportunity for a different perspective. Perhaps a more direct connection to my inner world (without the inclination to dampen it by stuffing myself with food). An awareness and sensitivity to my inner environment might be an important adjunct to a further sensitivity to the suffering of others and to how I interact in the world (or avoid being present).

It might be considered counter-productive that I have chosen to sit in the middle of the mall "food court" to write this post. It happens this place is on my path, after finishing at the gym. I would often go to a coffee shop to write, where of course there would be an expectation I buy something. In this space, it would seem, I can do my thing - without purchasing any food.

I suppose my involvement is impactful on a energetic/consciousness level. By now writing about the experience I hope I am spreading the word about this movement and what it represents. Violence toward women and children is not okay! Not in any way, shape or form. I am a stand for non-violent alternatives for conflict resolution. I believe in respect, compassion, inclusion for everyone. I will within this post, refrain from speaking in generalized terms about violence within humanity overall, because I don't want to water down the message of this particular focus. Today the message is men (specifically this man) standing for an end to violence toward women and children by men. This includes of course the obvious; physical form, but also includes, emotional and spiritual violence (verbal & otherwise).

Today this is the form - "walking my talk.." I "nourish" myself through direct participation in something bigger than myself. The "discomfort I might be experiencing with respect to "hunger" pales when compared to my hunger for communities, societies and a global consciousness that no longer sees violence as "inevitable" & "just the way it is. It also can't begin to compare to the suffering of those that have been (and are being made) the targets of violence.

A feast for heart & soul comprised of a world of non-violence - would be a feast beyond compare.

Let it be done!


R. O'Neill (October 18, 2018)




Wednesday, 17 October 2018

Found in Getting Lost

In a little over two weeks time, I will be embarking on another overseas journey. I suppose the most obvious consideration, with respect to this opportunity, is that I'm able to do it, at all. Beyond that, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I believe to be true, due to my being clear, I will take "all of me" along for the ride. Going "there," will not be "better," than being here. Being there, will not change who I am, or where I'm at in my life. I may change my perspective on some minutiae of the human condition by virtue of experiences - yet unknown. Then again, I would undergo change, if I didn't go anywhere.

I'm not going there, to get away from here. I will appreciate more of there, while missing some of what is here. I will be confounded and destabilized by the unfamiliar - I will perhaps reunite with some that found a place in my heart without any knowing, if there is any basis, for our continued connection, (if it currently exists) or if there is any mutual ground for continuance. We once found ourselves in a space somewhere beyond the walls of socialized veneer - that precise experience cannot be recreated. Does the archway to Rumi's field, continue to bade welcome?

Travel is marketed as "escape," - I cannot frame it thus. I'm not "afraid" of flying, but there's not much I enjoy about scrambling through airports - navigating around retail jungles, hurrying to "not be late" - only to then wait on the other side. Bad food, horrendously overpriced - the blatant presence of ghastly class systems "hidden," by a mere curtain.

The stark unfamiliarity of travel, that then brings me face to face with myself (the "good," the bad, and the "ugly"). The slant of the theme now expressed, might lead one to conclude I don't care for travel at all. That is only partially true. Without question, there is a place in me that vehemently objects to having to "go anywhere!"

Can you imagine? "Immigrations," catches up with me, somewhere abroad.

"Mr. O'Neill, we couldn't help but notice you're still here!" "Enjoying the North are you?"

"Why yes, Yes I am!! Thanks for asking!"

"The thing is, you were suppose to be gone a week ago!!" "Now then, what are you up to?" "Are you working illegally in the country, have you taken up residence - again, illegally?" "Are you running some sort of illegal "under-the table" business?"

"No none of that!" "To be honest with you, I just could bring myself to leave." I mean literally! Getting all my shit in a bag, schlepping it to the airport, security, find the gate, jam myself in a airliner seat - where I'm scorned for getting up after 7 hrs. to pee - I just said, "fuck it!" I'm not going anywhere!!"

"Hmm, come with us, well get you sorted!!"

I actually enjoy "adventure!" Once, I get my ass in motion! Getting to the adventure - sometimes occurs to me to be a great deal of bother!!

Trust me I could write the book on "escapism!" Possible that might be the direction of my next book. The problem with the message, I feel called to express, is that it doesn't make for good "escapism." Oh sure, those that are looking for some "scandal," might be entertained. At the very least, they could bolster their flagging ego's, by thumbing their nose at the folly of my life choices. But, if I have anything to say, it is that a pre-occupation with escaping (read addiction) actually creates a prison that makes "Devil's island" look like Disneyland (of course the "magic kingdom," might represent a unique form of hell for some). I'm neither going to create vehicles of escapism for others, nor advocate their use. If I could, or more to the point, was willing to, there is likely an endless market, for those trying continue to scratch that itch. But I won't! As it is, I can't begin to "compete," with the guys at the wellness markets selling rocks! The other thing is, I'm not entirely free and clear of intermittent forays, into getting lost scratching my own itches.

So when is this book coming?  Well first I would need to "get off it," with regard to it's viability. Then I'd need to dig deeper still (into my own soul) with a willingness, to further own what I find & then pour it on, page after page for public consumption. I do a version of that through this blog anyway. I'm digging, owning & feeling all the bloody time. (expect when I'm not). This is why it is that I am abundantly clear, there is no "getting away," through travel for me. I'll be the guy screaming for my attention the entire way. Sometimes, just screaming!!

I'm in the advantaged position of having published (self) my first book - without a need for concern about climbing out from beneath the "one hit wonder" rhetoric; there is no pressure to rise to the acclaim, of my previous "accomplishment." (or at least the climb would not be arduous).

It couldn't take much to "raise the bar" - could it? After all I just need to elevate it, above tripping level. In that, it is just like mustering the wherewithal to tear myself from the familiar; and drag myself across the planet - so I can meander, as the embodiment of "Lost & Found."

Either way, there's a snoot full of me around each bend. I suppose if I can stand the company, I might find freedom from the need to escape & escape that which impedes my freedom.


R. O'Neill (Oct. 17, 2018)




Tuesday, 9 October 2018

My Creator calls the Tune....

My own healing journey has been revelatory for me today. My foundation, or that which I will assert needs to be included as one of its "Keystones" can at times be allowed (by me) to be assailable. What I speak of is my own sense of, the goodness of me - which is not entirely absent; but I discover I will abandon quite readily. I'm not referring to some aspect of self-aggrandizement or any over-inflated sense of self. I'm mean specifically that the essence of who I am is good the truth of which is non-negotiable. I'm not here to debate whether that is true of all humans - I will leave that to be articulated by each in their own time. I will state uncategorically, it is true of me.

Though by no means the first catalyst of its kind, this whole Kavanaugh affair and accompanying Trump toxic diatribe has most definitely been pushing my buttons. To be clear, I'm well aware these are my buttons and they have long pre-existed the "Trump presidency."

There have been times in my life when the rage and self-hatred specifically targeting me and me as a male; has conspired to take me out and was nearly successful. Did I heal this juggernaut in it's entirety? I discover no I did not! I set into motion my version of the patriarchal shuffle and I busied myself, making money/spending money and engaging in the shell-game of distractions (and numbing strategies) all of which are embraced, encouraged and worshipped by "our society at large; that enabled me to repress it all (for the most part).

The "rise of the feminine" which does include some, riding the wave; that have done little or no personal healing work; which then generates for me rhetoric which mirrors very closely - my own unhealed masculinity. Even the repressed rage of those that are speaking as a necessary part of their own healing - could and can be taken out of context and entangled in some of what is mine to heal (maybe not by myself) but I am, responsible, for what is mine.

That's where it gets tricky. My psyche (or some part of my survival mechanism would have been "happy?" that these wounds never saw the light of day again. My (let's just call it) wellness wants the lid taken entirely off and the swamp drained - etc.

I won't try and minimize myself with regard to my being one of patriarchy's spawn (and collateral damage); but neither am I one of its, worst offenders.

I have to find the path to excise the wounds (mine) - actually I'm on it. In the meantime it is imperative that I look after myself - throughout what figures to be a deluge of verbal assault. The perception of "assault" would only ring true when I'm unable to arrest my own unhealed inner dialogue - or become unclear for that which is my responsibility. There will always be those that wish to divest themselves of their responsibility. There will always be those that are "overly responsible" masquerading their "rescuing" as virtue (when it's actually disempowering) neither extreme is healthy for me.

My standing with someone - is not, my doing it for them! Nor is it, continuing to shame or hold myself responsible for, what another must heal.

Whatever your wound and whatever it's cause - I cannot and will not, lose sight of the goodness of me.

At this time, my commitment is to truth. (and of course to do no harm). If I can stand with you, I will. At other times my stand with you - may take the form of a stand - for me. If I cannot separate your wound from mine - I will step back, rather than defend. When I can find my centre (the goodness that is me) I will rejoin you. I set the safety margins for myself.

I will not sacrifice myself to the fire of your healing.

I will not consume you in the fire of my own.

Creator - Please allow me the direct experience of the goodness of me.
I willingly release all within myself that stands in my way.

Let it be done!


R. O'Neill (Oct. 09, 2018)

We Are the World... So Now What's it Going to Be?

I hear very little, nearly nothing at all, from the innumerable "special interest" groups that draws attention to; what each of it's members, needs to do, to contribute positively to the evolution of humanity and making the world a better place to live. Most without fail, collectively point at other groups and subsets of humans as being the source of all the insanity. Within any given group (if there is anything approaching authentic expression going on therein) there will present, from the ranks themselves; the individual mindsets, world views, prejudices, wounds etc.) some of these people are hiding from themselves in these perhaps otherwise, worthy "causes." Where better for a rabid "rageoholic" to lose themselves, in the collective cacophony of anger. Rather than address their own anger issues, they can just blend in with the "righteous" anger of their peers. When all they want to do is continue their love affair with their anger.

The cause is not the cure.

Most certainly, when the cause ought to be, YOU!

The collective landscape is littered with "activism" - that frequently can and does turn a blind eye to any other facet of humanity, that doesn't share their specific, special interest. (I'm not saying that there isn't a need to stand - I am saying when will there be, a more united stand, for humanity?)

So deeply entrenched are the masses in "win at all costs" & "dog eat dog" mentality, that there is precious little energy directed to "we're in this together" - so how do we created "Win-Win." There is so much concern for "destroying the enemy" - nary anyone, stops to point out the lack of humanity present in the would be "destroyers." Ah, but theirs is a "righteous anger," so their atrocities are of the virtuous variety.


Humanity loses - when men & women are pitted against each other.
Humanity loses - when people of different cultures and ethnicity are pitted against each other.
Humanity loses - when people of different religious/spiritual beliefs are pitted against each other.
Humanity loses - when people who don't have "spiritual" beliefs are pitted against those that do.
Humanity loses - when people who identify with a particular politics, are pitted against each other.
Humanity loses - worshipping & perpetuating an economy that decimates their home.

You don't speak the truth just because you yell the loudest.
No one of these residents, on either side of the dichotomies, has all the answers (they don't have to, because their interest isn't for anyone but themselves).

Your being hurt - does not justify the continuance of spreading more hurt.

There is no one from any of the groups that isn't contributing to the current state of the world.
There isn't anyone that has the monopoly on the suffering.
There certainly is no one that has all the answers.
There is no one that hasn't contributed to the suffering.

I suspect humanity is going to need to learn to play TOGETHER in the sand box or the "sand box" is going to rid itself of it's resident parasites - like a dog shakes fleas.


R. O'Neill (Oct. 09, 2018)




Monday, 8 October 2018

Saying My Piece on my Path to Peace!

God knows I have availed myself over years, to a veritable gluttonous consumption of quotes, memes written sound bites; to be sure at times they have been inspiring, at other times thought provoking and even illuminated for me, where I might consider altering my own trajectory.

At this moment in time, I'm overcome with the acrid stench of perceived futility I am processing & the benign impotency of anybody else's window on the world. I'm pretty sure nobody ever got to a place of fulfillment and inner peace - based on their ability to quote the views of someone else.

Yes, yes I have hoisted plenty of posts to social media. If I were to pen an autobiography I suppose it might be comprised of a few main subsections - "the early years," which were comprised of feelings of complete alienation, shame & painful abandonment; "the middle years" where I attempted for 15 years to numb that pain of the early years (thereby exponentially increasing the pain) which then shifted the focus from numbing the pain, to self-destruction; and the "Recovery years" which have been a struggle to try reconcile the first two periods and bring something of value from it in the way of a contribution to life. Hence - the sharing of "inspirational quotes."

Well even though I shared a few articles just prior to beginning to write this - I don't think the sharing of that material accomplishes - "Jack Shit!!"

I'm not contributing a damn thing. In many cases I know little or nothing about the lives of those who's quotes I bandy around. I know my quoting them, doesn't mean I'm anything like them. Any good they might have brought to the world - when they were saying these things or by saying them; doesn't transfer to me - by "association." Whatever is was they did, that continues to afford them present day pedestals, likely wasn't accomplished by endless reference, to what someone else said.

I'm not entirely clear as to what it is, that's got a hold of me, but I can't stand another languid reference to: "Imagine;" "I Have a Dream;" "Be the Change..." "Row, row, row your boat;" "Once Upon a (Feck'in) Time.........

There might have been some social/political/consciousness change brought about at the times these things were said - but trashing them about, over & over now, is not changing anything!

Admire who you will, while gaining direction from those, that once carried the torch. Seems to me, if I'm going to pick up any of these torches - they will only carry forward, slung on the arrows of my words (nobody else's). I can't possible evolve myself as part of humanity; clinging to the words of history's orators. Their words will dump me on my ass - sure as shit. Why? Because they were their words - came through their heart, with their conviction and the passion, of whatever it was that burned in and through them.

Why would one endlessly fall back on the words of others? If I consider my own case, I would say it has been a lack of confidence in what I've got to say and therefore idea that by quoting some heavy hitter - it gives more weight and credence to what I've said. Bull shit! Just a cop-out!

I'm in a foul mood, a storm raging inside me - before anyone presumes to address my fury with their dime-store facebook psychology; think again! I am well aware that I address outside of myself - while the voice that is prepared to tear me a part, to extinguish political correctness, and incinerate social convention and my own lingering neurosis - in order to be heard is the most apt recipient of this pointed indictment. Consider it an artistic convention. I know full well who I address here. So save your energy, character & personal inventory taking for yourself - mine is in the best possible hands and of those, most qualified to undertake them.

If it is true that no ship's captain of any note, was only able to, cut their teeth upon the open sea; then I suppose it can only hold true, that my voice and what is made available for it's expression, will only be allowed to realize it's full potential, through my own connection to creation.

I have allowed myself to be groomed to be a consummate consumer and passive spectator. I take one hundred percent responsibility for my life and the decisions that formed it. This then is not a hyper-critical self-demonishment. Rather, the love I exercise, will honestly reveal who I have been in order to set free my authentic voice.

My blog and book promotion continue through the platforms of social media - I suppose for now (until I arrive at a more effective way to do things) that will remain the same. As for my path moving forward it seems to me clear I need to bring a great deal more of what I've got to say forward & leave what other's are saying, for them to say!


R. O'Neill (Oct. 08, 2018)






Friday, 28 September 2018

Blowing in the Wind


Will your
 Love & Light
Lend 
A non-judgmental ear 

Is your
Spirituality 
Spacious enough
To allow
The visitation
Of bedfellows
"Terror, Bewilderment, 
Frustration 
and
Despair?"

How readily 
Can be found,
Those that will
Bare witness
To the shadows
Of 
Restlessness, Irritability 
and Discontent?

In a world
Addicted to 
Saccharine smiles
And 
Fear of death
Can you embrace
The sacred...
In wailing
&
Gnashing teeth?

How confidently
Will you stand
In
"I don't know?"

Do you
Continue
To declare yourself
The winner
Of a race
That never
Existed?

Can you release
What you
Believe
And who
You think
That makes you
Long enough
To embrace
The pain...
Yours
&
Another's?

Is your "Peace"
Contingent
On
An insatiable
Appetite
To dine
Piece-meal
On
What you
Insist
Are the
Errors
Of
Fellow travellers?

Can you
Read this
Without
A compelling need
To make
Me
And/or
You...
Wrong?

Need all
Questions
Be answered?

Is an
Acceptable
Answer
Another question?


R. O'Neill (September  28, 2018)


Tuesday, 25 September 2018

Peace Talks




I suppose
I can forgive
Others
For their projected
Limitations

In a gesture
Of 
Self Reconciliation

I must express
My profound sadness
That I 
Imposed them 
On myself

How dare 
Anyone presume
Their fears
Would become
My mandate

That my soul
Would be reduced
And purposed
To serve
Their agenda

I forgive myself
A misguided belief system
I understand
The consequential pain
As been the
Catalyst 
For the discovery of
And standing in 
Who I am

Lest I forget
Nobody
Can tear me
Asunder
From myself
Without 
My giving 
My consent 
To do so

Request denied!!


R. O'Neill (September 25, 2018)