Why Pay The Piper If the Fiddler Calls the Tune?

 "Come on let's go out and play before it get's too dark!" - Rob O'Neill (8yrs old) 

What is this then? Simple, I source my quotations - when & where, I choose to utilize them. This suggestion elicited from my eight year old self, is a profound as it is, "simplistic." And despite what, as I sit here to write, is somewhat of a squall brewing outside; there will be adequate time, to "feel the wind in my hair," or the equivalent thereof, given I have no hair; after I finish writing.

I have added to my Artist's Way suggested activity (which on top of the regular requirement, of "morning pages" and a weekly "Artist's date" - was to be a week of "Reading Deprivation..") I'm now 5 days into that and had my sights set on breaking that fast, with transitioning into a juice fast. Circumstances have shifted and changed, which have resulted in my deciding to commence the juice fast today. So clearly the two activities are now to overlap. The reading "break," is due to lift, come Saturday; the envisioned juice cleanse/fast to run perhaps 3-4 days (I have gone longer in the past). This one, being not "planned to the nth degree," I believe, I will not be particularly rigid with, regarding duration. It could even possible extend, beyond the afore mentioned time span. I'll see how it goes and how I feel along the way.

How it going right at the minute? Well, it's just before three in the afternoon I've had three of the six bottles of juice I have available for today. Seems to me, that holds me in good stead. I do feel hungry - but I also know from past fasting, the actual physical hunger, seemed to peak after a while, and though it never went away entirely, it also never got worse. (of course this was on those occasions, when I fasted for six days) I have no idea, experience or current idea, to undertake anything longer than that.

I imagine the "cleansing" function is underway ... as journeying to the loo, would be more frequent than normal rhythms.

I've been off caffeine again for quite some time, also dairy, I eat almost entirely vegetarian (still eat eggs & the occasional piece of salmon)... The current nutritional status, has been arrived at through all kinds of trial and error... Not really part of any "spiritual" paradigm, as much; as it's for me, about, achieving and maintain a health weight, energy and vitality levels that support my envisioned activity level, digestion bliss and just generally feeling good in my body.  Having compiled that list, I suppose it can be said and seen, that there is an element of spirituality at play - but it's being constituted from the "inside out." (which would be how some define "spiritual" I gather). I'm not trying to live up to the dictates, dogma, moral standards of anyone else - I'm just trying to arrive at what is optimal for me. Being overly concerned with what others eat or drink, just muddies the water and is not my business.

I understand an occasional juice cleanse/fast to be beneficial on many levels for one's being. I'm therefore offering myself that gift. I haven't done a ton of research, I won't being undertaking reams of before and or after analysis. Just going to get it done and see what I learn along the way. If it happens to be adequate to "detoxify," or lessen any inflammation going on in my body - great! I'm sure it will have me become more conscious, about my eating habits, and I would like to carry some revisions forward - post fast.

It's interesting to note, each time I get up from my writing for a "personal break," it runs through my mind - "I could use something to eat...." then I remember, "oh ya, not today O'Neill - it's cook's day off!! When one doesn't grab for a book and or something to eat while reading the book (and by "one," I mean me) suddenly I'm in a different relationship with myself. As it happens, I'm not doing much in the realm of the "Old nine to five" these days; so, in coupling some of these various avenues of introspection, and self examination, along with more than the average amount of "free time," there's precious little room in which to hide. Therein lies, where this can become interesting and revealing as well as,  bring about the catalyst for change; albeit - it's not necessarily, "a walk in the park.." - even if you might be, actually walking in the park!

The opening "quote" was derived from another Artist Way Course suggestion: that one write some about their eight year old self, and then have the eight year old, write to your current self, with the invitation to hear, what you would tell yourself.

I wrote "to myself" with my "non-dominant" hand (which to me is just my other hand) I am ambidextrous to a degree; the left hand, which I chose, when it was suggested, I "had to" pick a hand, is the more fluent of the two, because I've habituated using it... But, the right hand can write fairly legibly, and I believe will become equally as effective, with continued practice. Why bother? Well partly because I believe, if I can, why wouldn't I? I'm also curious what effect that might have, encouraging the more consistently and collaboratively use of both hemispheres of my brain .. again, why not? And for the sheer novelty and fun of it!

Enter my eight year old self.... it probably would have been somewhere, in that age range, when we were first learning to print and then write, that someone decided I needed to be "something-handed.." it sure wasn't my idea!! Chalk it up to the "penguins" - speaking of chalk, they only wanted ya, writing with one hand with that too! The "training" was "persuasive" and I ultimately "chose" a side (but at what cost?) eight year old Robbie is saying about now... fuck 'em, let's write with both hands!! 

"Let's go out and play!!" 

What value does this have? Well as far as I'm concerned it is of far greater value, than obsessing and stressing over "Covid!" No wonder my "inner child" is reminding me about "playing" and the "threat" of darkness..  I'm of a mind, that I'm going to spend the rest of my life, fostering the further development of my creative faculties - whether I live another thirty minutes, or another thirty years. I have empathy and respect for people's fears and any losses they have incurred. This whole thing, that which is real and otherwise, has cost a great many, a great deal ... and it still is! Nobody is going to tell me, that I have to dwell on it for the rest of my days. I believe life is constantly unfolding, with endless creativity and the invitation I'm hearing; is to meet that ever changing creative reality, with all the creativity and imagination I can muster. 

I am not going to live in the dark of the dooms-day machine, churning out its daily lamentations. I actually believe the world and everyone in it needs to get out and play. Forget all this terminal seriousness!! I have no "stats," but I bet suffering is a trillion kazillion dollar industry. Let's get serious about playing! Not take it seriously (i.e. "win at all costs," never say die" etc.) but give serious consideration and commitment to having fun!  

"When?" - "not now you've got to do your homework" "When?" not now, you have to practice for your music lesson..." "When?" Not now, you have to graduate with the correct GPA to get into a good university!!" "When?" Not now, there's your whole career path unfolding ahead of you now... you have debts to pay, a mortgage, family.....) "When?" Not now, you have to earn enough and invest it correctly so that you can have enough to retire on!!" "When?" Not now, you got kids to put through college and aging parents" "When?" Not now, your magic retirement numbers are just near your reach... stay the course! "When?" Not now, you pushed a little too hard - you're going to require some hospitalization to stabilize your health.... "When?" Not now, you're dead!

While it might be true that it is "always darkest before the dawn.." I believe it is vitally important to determine who is calling the darkness and how and when you define it dawn!

R.  O'Neill (February 25, 2021)

The More of Deprivation

 In what might be considered a prime example, of the "chicken or the egg" analogy, through the vehicle of the written word via my blog; I intend to wax upon the latest progression, within a somewhat self-directed "course" - written by Julia Cameron: "The Artist's Way" which is described as a - "A Course in Discovering and Recovering Your Creative Self"- "A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity."

I began about six weeks ago just following the "morning pages" and "artist dates" guidelines (I had some familiarity with those aspects, from another time when I took a run at the course) at that time stalled in the process; and never did commence, with the various other suggested activities, laid out for each week of the course. This time round, I am following much closer to the recommendations (with the exception that, completing the week's activities, has on occasion, over lapped into the next week - I believe this to be an acceptable compromise, as I am in fact, completing the work).

I had been given a package set of the course - which I held on to. Within the set, was a copy of the book and an accompanying journal.. I am reusing the journal, despite having filled some of the pages, with the previous attempt at the course. Because the chapter references within the journal, correspond with each section of the book - I was physically further along in the journal, (meaning readings, quotes etc. where for the week's activities, that I had yet to arrive at). Due to this, I had become aware, that in "Week Four" one of the "Activities" was entitled "Reading Deprivation." At the time I didn't give it much credence, though I have to admit, my blood momentarily ran cold. Apparently, I was effectively able to blot it from my mind, until this past week-end, when I was completing the previous weeks activities, and pre-reading the chapter for the up-coming week, - which as you might guess is in deed (cue the cellos) "Week Four.."

The first thing I noticed, was a sense of a very strong aversion, to this notion! (AKA Resistance) I read her description of the rationale behind the suggested strategy; I further read with some interest her accounts of all the flack she received over the years, teaching the course through in person workshops - when the participants reached this stage of the course. Then I began to have my own "reactions." I don't know her, haven't met her, good chance I never will, and I took an instantaneous disliking to her at this point!!

As it turns out, this work is running parallel with self-exploration work I'm doing through other avenues - one self-directed and lay-person supported, another through professional consultation. In perfect synchronistic fashion - "all paths lead to Rome" (Rome being the thriving kingdom of "O'Neill).. I received a thematic word, from a friend, at the onset of the New Year - the word being "Synthesis.." - this course of action I'm under-going, though perhaps appearing like, a disparate mosaic of unrelated pursuits,  may very will be, the necessary catalyst! (for me - what would I know about what anyone else needs?)

I'm no stranger to self-exploration, healing/recovery focused work - much of which has come dressed in various "spiritual garments." Having said that, it is fascinating to discovery (when it doesn't present like something a kin to a complete nervous "breakdown") that though I am mining the "same guy," there is so much more to be found! My experience is that "Spirituality" has so many faces and some of the most (for me) most powerful transformational/healing opportunities, presented in a rather surprising way. I believe in fact they were so effective in my case - because I didn't see them coming. They came dressed up in something of this current course - like something I had anticipated would be "light" and care-free (which to be sure it does have elements of play and jump-starting the imagination etc.) but had I been pre-aware I was going to encounter - what I am now in the midst of, I would have donated the books to the Thrift store. So this is how God works in my life, rather Ninja-like!

I initially found comfort in the author's reference to this being, in no small way a spiritual pursuit - but I see now, that had to do; with the notion, that I thought I had some familiarity going, like Linus and his blanket for "comfort." Now stripped of that misconception, if I have anything of use, that I have picked up on my path previous to now, is a genuine want; to foster a loving atmosphere, within my self, for me to live in. So I am encountering no shortage of uncomfortable self-confrontation - but I am inspired by the prospect of a "Synthesis" of my entire life's journey, and lovingly seek the truth of my being - beyond the pale, of my defences, wounds, mistaken beliefs and un-loving thoughts and behaviours.

I was genuinely terrified to consider going a week, without reading. Keep in mind, over a period of dozens of years, I have been whittling away the external compulsion/addiction (generated by an inner environment of self-contempt, shame, un-addressed childhood trauma).... so for all intents and purposes I have been of late, walking through the world; on "Bambi-like legs," stripped naked of my go-to strategies; discovering/recovering myself, while considering what the rest of my life, is going to be about (all within the continuing unfolding drama of the "Pandemic," and it's impacts outside of, and within myself - which I see as neither entirely a curse, nor a blessing, it is giving me the time and space to be "cast adrift..." As if the events themselves (- being billed as: "The New Normal..." - which I renounce and will continue to do so, until the day I die - there is nothing "Normal" about any of this - I don't care how relentlessly the media churns out it's narrative... but I do digress)... aren't de-stabilizing enough by themselves; I call in this lot; or maybe the time has arrived in my life, to go through exactly this - when the dust settles, the real Robert J. O'Neill will be asked to stand. The rest is just the backdrop of the stage, the journey is taking place upon.

What the hell was I going to do without reading? Here's the deal, if books were bottles of alcohol, I live in a tavern or brewery. I have bookshelves loaded with books. I often have to clear the seat, on the love seat beside where I sit (of books) for anyone else to be able to sit down. There are stacks of books randomly through out my apartment... Books beside my bed.... books in my bathroom, books in the door of my car.. If I'm out for the day - there are often pounds, of books in my daypack..

There are books of books - i.e. the bible ... there is a book categorized by themes from within the bible and corresponding scriptures. Addiction, trauma, communication, books about Islam... there are poets, and sages - there are prayers and ecstatic streams of conscience, books about ADD, books for ACA, books about buddhist thought. Books written by former addicts on buddhist thought... books comparing buddhist thought for recovering from addiction, versus a path derived from Christian tenets.. books about men's work ... "Who wrote the book of Love?" a quick glance across the room at merely two book shelves, reveals a minimum of four different titles, that contain the word Love - so the answer is, many people have written not the, but a book, about love.. There's the "Course in Miracles" - there's interpretations of the Course in Miracles.. There's books about writing books, there's books written: about using writing to discovery, unleash, transform, heal, transcend.  I have spent time with many of these books.... there have also been innumerable books, that have come and gone, that never got read, or at least not in their entirety. There are books that are in the current collection - I've never opened, other than to read a few passages of while at the bookstore, the neighbourhood free book box, the used bookstore, the thrift shop, Amazon... 

Books have fed me, nourished me, inspired me, challenged me; open my mind to vistas I once dared not even consider - other times, they have offered me a place to hide, they have been the subject of quests and time spent, under the self-deceptive guise, of moving about, purposefully in the world... They have been "another fix -" and symptomatic of someone, that could not see beyond the idea, that he was deeply flawed and broken - so profoundly smashed and defective, that surely the answer lies in - this book, No? Hmm... maybe this one!! - that gave me a clue... I'll follow that thread, but no - still not okay.... fuck!! How about this book then... listen to that author "tell it like it is..." - not only in this book, but dozens of others - so much fame, so much fortune - must be what I need .... At times I have created financial hardship - trying to read, about how it is I'm going to get fixed, get it done and then get rich!! (yes I see the flawed - premise ..... now!)

All this without even yet mentioning .... the blackhole of the internet, "social-media"  - online courses etc. 

I haven't felt this kind of fear for over thirty years (since when I was considering life without drugs and booze or what began, Thank God! an ongoing sobriety)... Still come this current challenge and I discover, there are more dragons to slay, or perhaps just to befriend, and learn to cohabitate with. I don't cotton to this notion, that dragons represent the need to "slay" something (or somebody) - though God knows some of my inner world, has been shaped into an arsenal, of carefully crafted weapons - and my window on the world often then aptly described by the adage: "to a hammer everything looks like a nail..." to one stock-piling weapons of mass-psychological destruction (living life through the spectres of the ongoing need to defend) many a benign comment; or witnessed furrowed brow, is seen as a "declaration of war." How can "Peace, be given a Chance" with all that hostility kept on simmer - just waiting for provocation (real and as often or more, imagined) to declare it - "Game on..." - Fuck, enough already, it's exhausting!!

I don't know where this is going? I don't care much for the fact - I don't know where it's going - but for now I'm willing to be okay with not knowing. (That in itself - makes my skin crawl!! So much at stake when one "doesn't know" - EXCEPT WHEN THERE ISN'T - day in day out, lots of people don't know lots of things and fuck all, happens to them; one way or another they were alright. Who knew... not me - I thought I had to know... to not know is to be unprepared - vulnerable - without fortification - taken by surprise to be ultimately crucified .... I could build a castle out of books and a lifetime of reading has both opened me great insight and, provided a decent vocabulary with which to tear someone to ribbons. Talk about misuse of God given gifts... Hmm, I suppose I just did!!

I'm only just now into "Day 2!" I'm aware, as I move through my day, that my unregulated eyes go about searching for "something to read.." ANYTHING! Maybe it's a bit like beginning meditation and being instructed to "quiet your thoughts," or let them go; and then seemingly, through increased awareness - it appears, as though ones thoughts, have exponentially multiplied, rather than just realizing - that mind, just churns 'em out, non-stop!!

My feelings at present, are "right here," (maybe where they're actually supposed to be) twice today in succession - I was moved to tears; first by my own recognition of my appreciation, for help and support I had received and expressing that; and then telling the same person, I would miss them as we were parting ways.. It occurs to me telling that I account for numbers of quantifiable human feeling and interaction like they are the "exception" rather than a natural way of being) - I feel sadness that so much of my life has been so; though also what an amazing gift to come to know something else... maybe it's like someone that had been previously blind having their sight restored ... I don't know - just imagining - it's a significant shift I can vouch for that!

I'm still not crazy about the term - Reading "Deprivation" - but it's possible, I've assigned it a negative spin and maybe it literally means "without reading" - not, that it implies, this is intended as a form of "Punishment."Again that might be a further delineation of my bias. I guess I'll look it up, after I stayed the course, for now I'll give myself the best I can, possible opportunity, to not go inserting the "thin edge of the wedge" - to consult the dictionary - the next thing you know ... I'll have been reading the damn thing for hours on end!!

I have utilized some of the time created during this "fast" so far - to write one poem, this present blog post, drew a picture - repaired some woollen gloves of mine, found a meaningful wall hanging for my room - free! So it might just be, that the course is beginning to have the stated intended affect.... 

Trust me, I'm not coming out to now, to "vilify" books... it's entirely possible I may write some more myself.. I definitely haven't the intention, to let my first creation, die on the vine. 

There's an enormous "re-org" under-way - it's possible this reaches far beyond, my personal escapades (or at least that's what I was once "reading...") I don't think, there is anything wrong with listening/reading the perspective/experiences of others.. I can say that for me, it becomes problematic, when it becomes so dominant to do so, that ones own voice, is long lost and estranged - and in order to be held in useful proportions - using anything, as an ongoing distraction or means of disassociation, is a slippery slope indeed.

So for now I will continue to ply the waters of "I don't know," - I seek to foster compassion and understanding, for what I didn't know; and I am becoming willing, to accept there exists, infinite volumes of that: which I don't know, I don't know.

R. O'Neill (February 22,  2021)

Last Call

Invited

Via isolation's

Stunning silence

To 

Recall or name

The

Estranged image

Viewed through 

Eyes

Staring back

Through

Limpid pools

Formed in 

The tempest

Of grief's Out-pouring

Was it then

Life, 

Run  completely

And blindly 

Amok?

A 

Protracted failure!

Or 

A perfectly

Executed

Enter 

The Dark Night

Through

Which to issue

Frankly

And without reservation

An

Earnest plea

Of surrender

From knees

Ground

Into the ashes?

Nothing

Remains of

Dress-rehearsals

Angelic robes

Disgarded

To reveal 

Reaper's sickle

The 

Final bluff's

Been issued

And 

Truth

Delivers

The call

To

Reckoning

No

Hero's tale

Can be

Uttered

Through

A 

  Contorted maw

Disfigured

By a

Never-ending

Deception

Look

Once more

Through

Swollen

Tear-stained

Eyes 

Hold still

The voices

Of impersonation

And 

With the last

Utterances

Of breath...

Granted by

The Divine..

Speak

With the 

Voice

Bestowed upon

You..

Before 

It is 

Swallowed

By

and for

Eternity....

R. O'Neill (February 21, 2021)

 

Not Self-Denial .. Rather Self Reclaimed & Pro-claimed

 Yesterday (February 17th) signified the beginning of "Lent" (Ash Wednesday), this of course all being within the "Christian" lens. The marking of the day with Ashes within the church, I gather, signifies the mortality of human existence (ashes to ashes) and the "need" to reconcile one's life with God, in preparation for "the life hereafter.." I also seem to recall the ashes were created, from burned palm fronds from the previous year's Palm Sunday celebration (which signifies the celebratory mood of the faithful followers of Jesus to Jerusalem) which was a short lived celebration, as the crowds would turn on him later that week, and call for his crucifixion (which of course was carried out).

I offer some context as much as I'm aware of the "traditional" meanings (with I'm sure any number of different spins exist, depending on what branch of Christianity one follows) as it is my intention, to observe a practice over the period of time, known as "Lent."

I'm not Christian per se... though I was raised in an Anglican family .... attended elementary school at a Catholic private school (between my being an "outsider" to begin with, and treated as such, and the penchant of the teachers (Nuns) to habituated cruelty, I would have to say, that largely put me off the idea of embracing the ideas, that were said to be at the foundation of "their church.." which thereby impacted my young life experiences, while in their clutches.

I did have some sort of childhood affinity, toward St. Francis and Mother Mary .... they still resonate to this day as "spiritual guides.." (but not as talisman of Catholicism ...) just as they stand within themselves. I also acknowledge there are countless people that find great strength and inspiration through their chosen faith paths and essentially bless the world with their influence.. So "religion" is synonymous with "bad."

So if not Christian, why follow a decidedly sectarian ritual? Well, first of all, I have no intention of framing it in any way to be penitential. I don't see any value in suffering intentionally, or believing I "deserve to."

I acknowledge the value of a "forty day" observation in general. When I did my practice of walking the labyrinth - it became a "40 day journey;" within the journaling about, the arrival at that choice... I mentioned the vague awareness I had, of the number 40, in various biblical stories... "40 days and 40 nights" the rains fell in the story of Noah, (a great flood that also features in the Creation story of other cultures) 40 years the Israelites wandered in the desert, until they were "delivered," to the promised land. From what I understand, the 40 day interval most closely associated with this time of year, was the 40 days and nights, Jesus was said to have gone alone into the desert for prayer, contemplation; and where he was said to have faced temptation by "Satan..." which, may well have been him, subduing his own shadow humanity (in my estimation .... which of course would be where I, would markedly depart, from the orthodox Christian view, that he "had no humanity" that he was God incarnate)...

Anyway that 40 day "rite of passage," set the stage and perhaps transformed him, in whatever ways it would be necessary, for him to face his fate.

I still suppose, there is some form of "incubation" period, in this 40 day marked observance - so while now it aligns with various other practices and personal work I've been doing; I will embrace it as it gives me a measured period of time, over which to enact my intentions. 

If per chance, the unfolding of said intentions, happens to align with any helpful energies, that coincide with anything related to the teachings of Jesus ... so much the better.

On the physical plane, my intention is to abstain from any junk food over this period of time (the benefit being self-explanatory). On a more invisible (as far as outside observation could perceive) my intention is to surrender negative judgement and self-condemnation (as it presents directly toward myself and that which I aim at anyone else). I choose to believe, that this form of judgment toward others, is in fact - nailing myself to the cross, I intend for them. This will also be a concentrated period of self-forgiveness (and forgiveness anywhere it is called for from my past).

As far as I'm concerned, I can follow (to the best of my ability and through my interpretation) the teachings of Jesus (Yeshua). I don't need (nor does anyone - but for them to determine for themselves) someone else, to dictate what he was about, for me. That to me, is what forming a "personal relationship" with Jesus means. It is alive here & now.... not through the dogmatic repetition of rote rituals, that many don't even have the ability or willingness, to even be present for while they sit there. Jesus was with me during those forty days walking the labyrinth (which began 10 yrs ago, this fall) .... he was with me, while I carried out the vision of writing the story of that journey, and bringing a book into being... He was with me, when the writing of the book was interrupted; while I dealt with the passing of both my adopted parents in the same year (2014) and with me, to see me through the completion of that book ... while I was on one of 4 trips to Ireland; exploring my ancestral "roots." The book was finished, launched first on Amazon and then in hard-copy form, while in Ireland. The continued unfolding of my personal healing, took place, while I was following my own soul's guidance; to live and travel, around various parts of Ireland... All of this, including the "self-publishing" of the book and travel, was under-written by money, I inherited from my adopted family .. money that might have seen it's way, to becoming the foundation of my "retirement.." 

I made choices and followed the guidance of my heart then, the same way I am refocusing and realigning with my heart now. I believe the teaching of Jesus, speak directly to my heart. I don't believe this is a "relationship" unique to me... I have no monopoly on it ... It exists to the degree, that I am willing to allow it (that in itself is an ever-unfolding journey). What others believe has no bearing on my journey ... I don't adhere to an expressly Christian viewpoint, as I renounce anything that is formed, in the crucible of exclusion. I believe there are wisdom holders and teachers of all the various spiritual paths.... nobody "owns" any of them.. I believe the power each contains, is exponentially released when shared and combined, with parallel wisdom. I renounce the persecution of anyone, or the oppression, of what they believe (the wisdom they carry).... I have compassion for those, that are still struggling to recover their connection, to the wisdom of their ancestors... (I am just such a being)... make no mistake, though I inhabit the "privilege" of being male and at least appearing to the world as "white," ... the wisdom, practices, connection to life itself, of my ancestors was lost to me - obscured in the muddle of a familial shell game - all within a western world culture, that has no (or very little) "cultural identity;" as so many of "us," are the off-spring of settler colonialists ... that were the off-spring of cultures and histories; of oppression, religious/spiritual persecution and displacement, in other locations on the planet. 

We've all been fed a diet of secular capitalism kool-aid, that was touted as being the "New World" panacea and frankly .... it ain't worth shit!!

I suppose to be fair ... or at least to give a begrudging nod, toward not "throwing out the baby with the bath-water" (i.e. "science," can be seen as having it's place, and does make some useful contributions) however ... as far as I'm concerned, that spirituality and all that is encompasses, having  been practically entirely usurped by science - though perhaps a necessary digression in human development) I most certainly, will not court it on bended knee. Firmly ensconced in the "establishment" (status-quo), I believe can only serve to demonstrate it's clay feet and whereby it should then have both those feet, knocked off its pedestal. It has been this same "establishment," that orchestrates the oppression, persecution and deaths, of all it's detractors throughout history; misguided to say the least, to look to these forces now, as "the second coming..." 

I look back on my childhood "Sunday school" and elementary school teachers, appointed ambassadors of an ideology, that co-opted the name of Jesus... from my adult perspective, shaped and informed by my own spiritual journey;  these people, did not represent, anything remotely related, to the teachings nor the embodiment of, the teacher/rabbi Jesus. They more closely emulated his persecutioners/executioners... I would have been greeted with open arms and unconditional love, by the man Jesus (rather than subject to isolation, corporal punishment, exclusion and humiliation because, I wasn't "one of them..") I don't need this affirmed by anybody ... I lived it, and I know the truth of it. If given the opportunity, I would tell those involved, to their faces - just how misguided, and what a sham, they conducted in their pretence to represent Jesus.

It's ironic to me that those, in their ivory towers within military, corporate, scientific and government circles; that now so many worship, and look to, for salvation; are the very same energies, mindsets, power-hungry, greed driven archetypes, that put Jesus to death... (any wonder why spiritual communities of all ilks, are denied gathering at this time? - it won't spread "the disease" - unless one considers personal empowerment, sovereignty, freedom and autonomy -  a disease!! ... then by all means, it would be necessary, to put a stop to the continuation, of any free-thought and spiritual liberation.

I am heartened (albeit also saddened) that though the messengers, have systematically been destroyed, throughout history .... the messages live on!!

From this history and my healing journey, I arrive here and now, at the place; whereby, I will immerse myself, in a concentrated focus, aimed at receiving forgiveness for myself, through the forgiveness of those that "trespassed against me.." I will seek forgiveness for and from myself, that I took on and embodied, such limited and mistaken beliefs about myself (formed through the influence of the spiritually blind).  I will look to fully embody, a willingness, to forgive those; that as Jesus himself acknowledged: "forgive them father, for they know not what they do..."

I will seek to forgive myself, for the wholesale disempowerment, of myself through acquiescing to self-proclaimed authority, that actually have no power what-so-ever (unless it is freely handed to them).

Will I complete this "vision" of mine within the allotted forty days? I have no preconceived idea, of the form the outcome will take... I expect and will exercise faith, that transformation can and will occur.

Between now and then, I will continue to wrestle with the man in the mirror, with whom, I intend to offer a far more welcoming and loving co-existence; far less adulterated by the opinions, mandates, agendas, and dogmas of others.

Peace out!

R. O'Neill (February 18, 2021)

Fiddler Calls the Tune

How 

Hollow and desolate

Rings

The 

Fathomless abyss

Of

The unfulfilled

Soul..

A

Lifetime

Spent scaling

A ladder

Placed upon

The

Wrong wall...

Looked

To 

Authority

With

No heart 

To see

Acquiescing

Blindly 

To

Misguided values

Drawn to

Illusory rewards

And

One day 

Was 

Torn 

From a

Delusional slumber

Wondering

How 

I 

Could be

So utterly

Lost

Dream 

Another dream?

Dare thou

Set sail

Newly

With 

Such scant

Time

Remaining?

Do you 

Really believe

Your vessel

Worthy?

Or

Might well

It be 

Dashed 

Upon the 

Rocks

And 

Forever lost

In the 

Sea

Of

Faceless losses 

and 

Torrents of grief?

Will you 

Listen

Now?

NO...

Really listen!!

Whom

Will you

Recognize 

As 

The guiding light?

Upon what 

Authority

And

From whom

Shall you

Seek?

Listen deeply

And 

Choose wisely

Longevity

Might well

Be distinctly

Unaffected...

However

"Quality of life"

Might just

Depend

On it!

R. O'Neill (February 08, 2021)