Friday, 19 July 2019

Back in the Saddle

As I enter this space it feels both familiar and entirely new. There was a time when I frequented this environment often, sometimes multiple times in the same day, The writing was plentiful and seemed to present with ease and fluidity. I suppose it would be an interesting exercise for me to revisit some of my past perspectives to see if there were any continued resonance.

I hadn't considered that I would "stop" writing, of course I hadn't really considered that I would "start" either.  There was no sense of being "blocked," while at the same time, to consider continuance of what I considered an avenue of my expression which I highly valued, was being thwarted by it occurring to me, I had nothing to say.

I don't "know," I have anything to say now. I just made the decision to sit down and say something. Writing presented in my life six or seven years ago. I hadn't "planned" it and and exerted precious little preparation to assume the status of "a writer." I subscribed then, to the idea that expression sought an outlet and found me available - with no other pressing engagements, along with two feet (& hands) a heartbeat and a keyboard. The pursuit has opened a number of doors both internally and those that formed, various unexpected life experiences. It hasn't landed me on a best-sellers list, garnered critical acclaim - it did apparently lead to a "readership;" one I didn't actively cultivate and due to my extended absence, I suppose haven't nurtured either. My apologies to any that might have developed the habit of connecting with this avenue of my life. I really don't know, to what degree my writing might have been positively impactful for anyone else. I can say that I sincerely envision, fostering an intention, to offer some measure of quality; which both reflects authenticity and I hope represents time well spent, for those that invest their time in reading.

I have been deeply immersed for over a year now, in some different avenues of healing work. I also arrived at the decision to quit the job I was doing over the last 3 1/2 yrs. I began another part time employment direction, all of which has led to a significantly changing life orientation.

As I consider my writing in the past, I suspect (again without yet having revisited it in any meaningful way) that I truly wanted to present as though I really "knew," what I was talking about. Presently I'm not wishing to dismiss all I have done, but also acknowledge that some of the pain (shame) that I have worked through of late tells me, I couldn't bare to be seen as "not knowing." God knows if it actually convinced anyone else, that I was the voice of authority, but I put a lot of words into trying to paint that picture. That same shame fuelled my deep sense of self-doubt and incessant self-criticism, which was forever undermining my credibility, most certainly in my own eyes.

Today from a more consistent practice of self-love which has included the willingness to feel and grieve long repressed parts of my life; I believe I have something to say now, which isn't necessarily indicative of "mastery," enlightenment or that I have "awakened," or reached any state of advanced consciousness, nor do I reckon it matters, if I do or don't.

I am vastly more connected to my heart and more than ever, the hearts of others. I also know there is untold continued knowing available within every heart (mine included). I don't maintain that I am a "light-worker," star-seed, healer etc. - to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what would place me in these various categories - I do know, they are not necessary in order to, be me. As far as I know, I don't channel anything... I'm hard-pressed to remember the various passwords I have for this online world. I may be the rest of my life, trying to learn how to effective express myself and communicate with the beings on this planet, maybe I'm not meant to channel other beings.

I certainly believe in a "power greater than myself;" that, is still a relationship, I am exploring for myself - I won't be seeking disciples or starting any movements anytime soon. I would love more people to suffer less - I don't have the answers pertaining to how that is going to take place. I'm finding safety and trust to experience the sources of my own suffering, and enjoying release and greater ease along the way.

Does that mean I now know, how it all works? Not exactly!!  I have a continued practice of "Honesty, Open-mindedness & willingness," concepts I was introduced to a very long time ago. The focus might vary - but these three principles continue to be valuable guides. I have less time to engage the distraction of what "everyone else is up to." I don't discount the paths of others. Still, my heart may well determine, it to be a clear - no thank you.. I have spent extended periods of time, trying to belong where my heart had already said - No! It hurts! And it doesn't hurt any less, through continued ignoring it.

Maybe I'll never be a "spiritual guide, or leader," I might live long enough to become more masterful at determining where I need to be,  I don't know if that will help anyone else. I sure know being where I'm not meant to be, doesn't help anyone.

Maybe that's where this particular post ends. I have an up island destination in mind for this afternoon and early evening - I'm not getting any closer sitting here, and I feel my energy being pulled away.

The other thing is, the air-conditioning is on in this coffee shop, and it's not comfortable sitting here, cold in fact. No merit in suffering further, just to write more - so then, until another time.