Friday, 6 June 2014

Closet Dreamer

I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine her name is Joey. I suppose perhaps that would make her full name Josephine. I have known "Joey" since I was a very young boy, though we weren't reacquainted until recently, when I was cleaning out my parents house and found her in the closet. Before you erroneously conclude what kinda house did he live in, this sounds like shades of the "Bates Hotel" or perhaps that would just represent my imagination and it's colourful digressions; I should explain "Joey" is a stuffed kangaroo. Now before the animal advocates pounce on me, pun intended, Joey is not actually a previously living kangaroo that was subsequently stuffed, she is a replica. Though given her vintage (which significantly predates the consciousness of keeping fur on the animals and the animals alive) - I can't say for sure that the fur isn't from some once live animal.

It took me quite sometime during the time of my innocence and naivete to piece together Joey's gender. Upon first examining "him" I had decided he was a he because quite clearly, he had a "wanger." Later, closer assessment revealed "it" had eyes, a most disturbing revelation. I eventually became aware that in fact what had been thought to be the male gender clinching appendage was actually Joey's .... Joey. Huh what do ya know.... Joey's a girl and he's (I mean) she's, got a baby. Which of course opened a whole other can of worms - i.e. what's that doing there and where the heck did it come from?

Joey came home with my dad after one of his journey's while in the navy, down to Australia. The mystery and intrigue for me was bigger than life as I tried to conceive of being on a ship traveling the requisite amount of time between the base here in Victoria and port in Australia. This was no Sunday drive - though I have to say those car rides were excruciatingly long and held for me minimal allure. Once arriving at what seemed to me to be the other side of the galaxy, all the pictures my dad brought back provided evidence that life there was not at all like it was here. What with koalas, kangaroos, wallabies, wombats, dingos, platypus and even the "run-of-the-mill" crocodile - I dreamed of the day when I would set foot on this other worldly continent. There was no where on the entire planet that I cared about beside Australia!

A whole lotta living went down after those days of wild abandon of the imagination. Joey and Australia got lost in a haze. I suppose I could quote the old song and say "I got stoned and I missed it!" For the most part that is a gross over-simplification, however there is some truth to it. The "dream" surfaced again when I was around 31 years of age - I was on my own, four or five years into "recovery" I was once again seeing through the eyes of possibility rather than just resignation. I began to ponder the notion of going to Australia. At that point it was not with the idea of moving my life there - I suppose it was just to answer this yearning of my youth. I had no real perspective on ideas like "follow your bliss" at the point. I had begun to explore books and sources that spoke of such things but my then well buried "victim consciousness" was quick to dismiss those enjoying life, as not having to play the cards I was dealt. (From here on I will abbreviate belief system b.s. - I do this not to berate myself, however, it is helpful for me to continue to discover "what I'm telling myself" and recognize the impact and determine whether it is life-enhancing) I had built my life on concession, "reason and practicality" there was no concern or attention toward passion, from the confines of my intellect cum prison, such things fell to the ground crushed beneath my boot as empty platitudes, non-sensical and "unrealistic." What made me believe, my (b.s.) was any more real, in hindsight, not much more than because they were mine, and "I say so!" Of course this can all but assure that they become true in my life, but not because they are inevitable, but because I will then go about putting endless energy into gathering "evidence" to make them true.

Again significant reductionism and over-simplification, but just the same, instead of going to Australia, I got married! Now I'm not in any way, shape, or form implying that the person I shared life with for seventeen years was responsible for the derailing of my dream. That would more accurately be brought about by my consistently and completely giving my dreams little or no ongoing priority, making no end of things "more important" whether I declared this aloud or not, the result is the same - I brought all kinds of things into being, but none of them took me "down under"well, except for the ever mounting cloud of resentment, depression & helplessness (perceived). That bore considerable "weight" and certainly felt like I was under something. Considering the rather nebulous state of these energies I can say they actually do have "weight." I am able to make this statement now having released significant baggage and the subsequent feeling of relief and spaciousness. I simply couldn't have spoke of such things before - because they did not exist for me.

So there is "Joey" sitting in the back of a closet, ears hanging, like a doberman pup before undergoing cropping etc. and her tail is all broken, straw stuffing hanging out, reminiscent of the scarecrow in Oz. I sat her on the hearth and worked around her for days. People came and went from the house laying claim to various items and there remained "Joey." Being in the house was conjuring up all varieties of memories and emotions, Joey seemed to be particularly "triggering" for me. I looked at her again and again - cold rationality tried to assert itself, "dumpster" for God sake it's useless crap!" My heart wasn't buying it - suddenly it came to me "Joey" and her mangled tail, represented my "broken dreams" - not just Australia, but so many things, gifts and talents, interests and life choices, abandoned. Coldly and callously I slammed the door on my heart so many years ago - ya, I had my "reasons" but none matter now as much as my owning my choices and forgiving myself. How did I enter into marriage with it's requisite call for romance and heart connection - well, think "Spock" without the ears and you'd not be far off the mark.

So I have taken "Joey" home, along with a couple of koala bears that graced the house as well. I don't recall that we named them, so they are now known as Ying & Yang. My intention is to repair Joey's tail and reclaim my faculty of dreaming. For now she and the koala's will serve as 3D vision boards. Currently Ireland is my Australia - it represents known ancestral heritage, without providing much more in the way of the kind of "assurance" I have often held out for, as a "valid" reason to do something. I now have the kind of life experience that suggests that the call to Australia way back then was quite likely for some reason, that I would be unable to determine until I was there or perhaps had been and returned. It might be an ancient ancestral calling or it might just be "because I said so" either way is absolutely valid.

I believe myself now to be a far more able champion of my dreams - and am deeply passionate about the ongoing study and practice of making them real.

Bless you and thank you - "Joey!"