Saturday, 25 April 2015

Love it Here or Forget About There

Today while coming through town I decided to drop into the library and grab a few movies or so I thought. I got inside and began to browse the shelves, read a few story summaries, even had a few movies in my hand (including a "fast view" selection - 3 day return) the next thing that occurred to me was - "I don't want to plan my time around the need to return a movie that I don't even really want to see." There goes that movie back to the shelf, the next thought was, these "stories" are all the same - I am no "movie buff" by any stretch of the imagination. There are certainly more movies I haven't seen than those I have, but just the same - when I read the overviews - I think "so what" and even if I haven't seen it (I've seen it) or more to the point don't need to waste anymore time, seeing it. My conclusion was there is no further value in my viewing stories created by someone as part of what they are doing with their life, about someone else's life (fictional or non-fictional) instead of more deeply defining what is to become of the remainder of my life. So then, back to the shelves with the remaining titles.

Is this some form of defining moment in my life - the kinda stuff that is woven into the "life story" of some other body's "Monday night movie?" Was the trip to the library a wasted effort? The answers respectively are maybe and no. I did take the opportunity to use the facilities and it did give me reason to reflect as I walked through the courtyard - the same court yard that I busked in all winter, and saw a fellow I met during that time - doing that very thing - playing his native american flutes.
Over the last three weeks I have been essentially working full-time in training for what will be a casual position in the hospital system, so I have only been out playing music a couple times lately. This fellow and I have had a few discussions - he admittedly states he's doing it to supplement a pension, though in the next breath he's adamant that "it shouldn't be for the money" even told me someone was about to give him twenty dollars once and he refused it. He's neither right nor wrong for doing so. There has been so many realizations for me over the time I performed on the streets. First of all in contrast, my view - which is neither right or wrong as well, but it's mine, is that with respect to remuneration, nothing is too small or too big, if you want to give me your car because you enjoyed my singing - I'll take it! With whole-hearted appreciation to be sure, but the thing is my value isn't pinned to any dollar figure, so at the end of the day I walk away having loved making some music and I am always richer in someway (even if the cash proceeds weren't particularly plentiful). This has been part of my soul's journey along the way. This same guy asked me last week - do I "seed" my case before I start to play? By this he meant do I throw a few coins in first (to make it look like someone has already valued my performance). I said "no I do not" that to me, that seems manipulative and the only thing in my empty case once I remove the guitar, is a couple of angel talisman. One was given to me by a friend and one was given to me (apologetically) by a fellow while I was playing. I stopped and told him that might well be the most valuable thing I ever receive while I'm out there. I don't know if he took me seriously, but believe you me, I meant it. The thing for me is that I don't "expect" anything - but I believe in my worth and gratefully accept everything. So on the few occasions when someone has handed me a five, ten or twenty dollar bill, I have gratefully accepted them and aside from weighing them down in the case with something so they don't blow away I leave them right there. No hide the bigger currency and try and make it look like there's been little support, I am one who likes to play and sing - not play on peoples sympathy, the thing is, I was not out there embodying the energies of hard luck (if there were those that saw me that way - that's their projection) I chose to make the whole thing an exercise in loving myself - no matter what! And, I was for the most part, highly successful at just that. Absolutely, during a hugely transitional/transformational time of my life - proceeds from busking helped immensely - but I never made "work" of it - I played with love and I will accept your money with love.

All this, from a walk through the courtyard - so indeed all is not as it seems. I went for movies, left empty handed, but, received all this insight. Perhaps I wasn't at the library for the movies at all? I will submit that the outward "appearance" of ones life, while it may well play a part in ones soul development, the soul agenda doesn't play by the same conventions, social dictates or popular paradigms, therefore, "successful" soul evolution is not dependent on the same measures of success that are widely upheld as being the pinnacle. To be sure, the journey was not tagged "the road less traveled" because it was so widely embraced and that it doesn't ask something of each traveller. The difference for me, is that though upon the surface, things can be judged as bleak and ultimately "failing"they are however, like the elements necessary to transform coal into diamonds. These circumstances can be the catalyst through which many powerful attributes are born - maybe this is "the way." (by which I mean conceptually, with an infinite spectrum of circumstantial variations from person to person).

I may well need reminding of this very thing as I'm not speaking from any mountain top, by which I mean my transforming and expansion are by no means complete. While I'm appreciating the opportunity that has come my way in the form of employment in the health care system - this very phenomenon of which I speak "outward" appearances, can be confounding. I left the "health care" system behind years ago - I have been on what became, a full time personal spiritual odyssey - there has been fire ceremony, sweat lodges, shamans, energy healing, sacred circles and sites (worldwide) financial poverty revealing soul fired wealth, all of which has led me........... wait a minute.......... back into health care? When I left they were just breaking ground for a multi-million dollar new facility, I now walk those halls now nine odd years old. They join with corridors and sections of the "old hospital" where I walked those many years ago - tired, bitter, jaded - restless, irritable and discontent, those corridors remind me from where I have come. So to, do the faces of those that were there when I left and are still there, some nearing "retirement" while I have the system status of a new employee (with 3 weeks of seniority). One fellow even quipped "I knew you'd be back - that's why I didn't say good bye when you left." That was ten or more years ago - I wanted to say.......... but then......... and...... I thought instead.......... "wow, I don't know what you've been through all these years - but I sure as hell know where I've been! Man...... here we are, it's good to see you .......... we should celebrate that!

So I'm back..... in some eyes right back where I started from and yet I am not remotely the same person who left - I see reflected in varying degrees wounds that I having since healed, I see mirrored for me threads of what still remains and no longer serves. I am not there to amass seniority, compete for "in-house" postings or get a long service medallion. I'm in the midst of a learning "curve" that would more aptly be depicted by a rapid vertical ascent destination unknown. I am humbled moment to moment while I'm there and that I'm there - perhaps that in itself begins to explain "why I am there."

In one of my non-loving thoughts I conceived myself while playing one day, to be a "musical pan-handler" here is where labels draw the end to seeing. I truly love to sing - but because I have a license as a street performer certainly doesn't me any better than he or she that sits with their hat on the sidewalk. I've stood in those food lines - I've been served dinner in the soup kitchen and then I worked briefly at the same place on the other side of the counter. I was employed in the health care system for 28 years resigned and now I'm back - for how long? It's at present, part of the mystery! The lines stretch, become permeable, begin to fade and then vanish. I'm here ...... but at least I'm not there! Oh wait ...... now I am there........ how'd I get here? I'm still the same guy here as I was there ........ aren't I? How dare you judge me! Unless wait a minute........ you are just showing me the judgement I hold toward myself. If I love myself unconditionally it doesn't matter if I'm here or there. (granted one place versus the other will have it's own inherent perks and/or challenges) - but I am no less worthy of love either way.

All I know is............ circumstances don't define the man (or women) who they are and who they become through and during the circumstances, that's who is worth getting to know. If you only judge by external presentation you have indeed thrown out the baby with the bath water and ultimately cheated yourself.