Once again my pedal powered presence placed me in near proximity to overhear a conversation taking place between an adult women, a small group of children (three) and an adult male. I have reason to believe they were a "family" but don't know that to be true. They were waiting on the meridian to cross in the cross-walk I was right there waiting to cross in the same direction - so there was no way to not hear their discussion. They were all weighing in on different activities to do for the remainder of the afternoon. Suffice to say that everyone in the group had a different vision and was making a "case" for their prioritization. The adult male who appeared to be standing in the role of father-figure, was speaking in favour of returning home and relaxing - the young people had visions of going for ice cream, their enthusiasm was not being shared.
Now this conversation didn't escalate to create one of those ethical dilemma's over how much is too much when addressing children (of course I'm talking for myself here) but the gentleman did become rather emphatic about how it was "going down." So far - no particular human rights violations and neither was there anyway for me to mind my own business, nor did they seem to see any need to curtail the interaction with me sitting in their midst. The kids gave what turned out to be one last appeal and their mother directed at the collective: "don't you dare argue with an adult!!" That was it - the group fell into silence.
I don't know about anyone else there, but I'm triggered now! I'm thinking WTF? No I did not then engage in the conversation, well not out loud anyway. But I pedaled away and I was "in it!"
"What the hell kind of logic is that?" This comes in part because I recognize I'm an adult and some of what I say and do warrants questioning - at the very least from myself. But in no way to I consider what I say to be impeccable, based on my adult status. I don't remember when it was that I realized that I didn't have to remain perpetually silent - that I wasn't necessarily in violation of "RESPECT YOUR ELDERS" because I "spoke back" or questioned their position. For sure I was an adult at the time and even then wasn't aware that this indoctrination and associated story and belief I conjured resided on my "hard drive" and was running the show. I worked for years with seniors so invariably though I advanced in age each year - I was still "wet behind the ears" in someones estimation. It was quite some considerable time before I made the distinction that one could respect the time someone had been walking planet earth and their experience - but that didn't mean that all their behaviour merited respect.
Clearly I'm not entirely at peace where this is concerned, given while they were busy pressing the cross-walk button apparently my "button" was being pressed at the same time. More opportunity to observe myself and ascertain what lies below. I can't say I've ever been physically gagged - but without a doubt there were times when the cost of speaking up seemed to out weigh my silence - so while my motivation might have been debatable, nonetheless, I chose to surrender my voice. That is a notable step toward responsibility for me - owning that. I also don't have to wait for permission to speak, nor wait to have what I say be assigned value from others, in order to speak up - nor speak only when I echo the group conscience. I do need to be responsible for how I choose to express myself - which still represents a "growing edge" for me.
The other thing that occurs to me is dogma doesn't just exist within religions. Oh sure even in "secular" society there are many widely held belief and ways of being, that have their roots in some religion. I'm referring to looking at my own ways of being and asking why do I cling so fervently to them? In some cases if I were pressed by someone else for an explanation I might not even have a particularly compelling reason beyond - it's just how I am. My point here is the profound effect that subjecting young people to these dogmatic ideas can have. Say what you want about self-help/spiritual authors but I inclined to acknowledge that Don Miguel Ruiz was onto something when he wrote about "being impeccable with your word" in his book "The Four Agreements" I submit that in the case of "Respect Your Elders," taken to the extreme the child is unwilling to question or confront anyone on the basis that they are an adult. The plain and simple truth is that parents, police, teachers, political leaders are all adults and all fallible. I think children should be encouraged to question everything. Learn to trust their own discernment and develop their intuition.
Self assurance ideally is fostered early on - it's a long road back otherwise!
I'm reminded of the story of the youngest daughter in this particular family deciding she was going to host the family Christmas dinner. She wanted to cook the traditional glazed ham that had been the custom within her family as long back as she could remember. She called her mother - for directions on how to cook the ham as she had never done one before. Her mother instructed her to first cut both ends off the ham then went into the details of preparing the glaze, cooking temperature etc. The daughter listened intently so as not to miss anything and then asked why do we cut the ends off? "I don't know," replies the mother "that's just how it's done." "Your grandmother will be at dinner ask her - it's her recipe." So the evening arrived everyone was around the table for dinner and the daughter presents from the kitchen the glazed ham cooked to perfection. As she sets it on the table she looks to her grandmother and asks, "Grandma could you tell me why it is necessary to cut the ends off the ham before it goes in the oven." "Well grandma answers, I only had one size roasting pan and a ham big enough to feed the whole family wouldn't fit, so I had to cut it down to size."
The problem with following dogmatic thinking regardless of its source - external or internal, there may have been a valid reason for it at one time or it may well have been handed down person to person and no one had the courage or thought to ask, why is this so?
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