Not to waste anytime, the notifications are arriving fast and furious aimed at capitalizing on the continued insecurity of the masses and the supposition that with these "7 Ways to....." and this window upon all things Consciousness (including unconsciousness) this Year will be the best ever!!!
It could be. If it were to be true, don't look to me to lay out the road map. What the hell do I know? I haven't written much of anything for a while. Which likely in the grander scheme of things, doesn't mean much of anything. I decided to go another round with the supposition of, whether I am "a writer."
I could apply a variation upon a theme and suggest - "I write, therefore I am.." (a writer) However if one isn't read, can they still lay claim, to being a writer? Shit, I don't even own a tweed jacket, though I could sew some patches on the elbows of my jean jacket. Seriously I have enough trouble being present as it is ... wrap me in tweed and the itch factor would drive me further to distraction.
If what I have "written" never gets published, occupies best-seller lists, opens door to gala events or spawns a new religion or finds it's way under hundreds of seats on the "Return of Oprah" - Part Deux what then of the claim of writer (real or imagined?)
What of relevancy, social impact, innovation, revolution??? So far I've neither been burdened with association nor credited with achievement. So why bother? Why indeed!
Over the Christmas season (not because of) more a chance intersection of realities, I quite significantly reduced my time on Facebook. I also deleted a couple of word games off my phone. And have become far more aware of my compulsion to eat (by which I don't mean, to ensure the adequate daily nutritional intake).
Now Facebook can be a tool, word games can challenge your mind, food as already noted, in reasonable proportions, is necessary to sustain life. I have a "history" of being an addict; which I will now more compassionately expand to include, I'm reticent to allow myself to feel the less than pleasant (read painful) feelings of life, and have lived as though true, I can create the more pleasant ones, at will. I have on innumerable occasions "gotten in touch with my feelings" - I've also spent varying lengths of time in the pursuit of numbness through "stuffing" and self-soothing through external gratification.
I entered into recovery for addictions almost 32 years ago. It was suggested back then, "the answer is spiritual." What a ride it's been as I sought the "spiritual answer." The good news (well for me anyway) I stayed sober & probably had most of these past 32 years of life and experience; which I likely would never have realized. I was suicidal when I sought treatment all those years ago.
I've been married and then 17 yrs. later divorced, had all kinds of money... bought all sorts of stuff, buried two parents, bought homes and sold homes - acquired and lost, stood in food bank line ups worked with (and for)the street community - wound up eating in the same dining room with those I served - all sober!! Got more jobs, sang in the streets, travelled the world - again still sober!
So what! (would be the cries of many a self-righteous on-looker). Well the thing is the odds are severely stacked against one (anyone) getting and staying sober - relapse is a very real, clear and present danger. Of course addiction is far more wide spread and prevalent in the world than most would admit. More relevant (being the only story I can tell) is that it's changing face can continue to reek havoc, long after alcohol and drugs are no longer the "drug of choice."
Interesting thing I've come to realize about my "spiritual journey." Sometimes, I'd be hard pressed to distinguish when the addiction is being treated by the spiritual path and when the spiritual path is feeding the addiction. (remember I equated "addiction" with a chronic inability to be with myself). Spiritual community can represent a place of "belonging." If my concern for "belonging and acceptance" by said community becomes more important than my authenticity, I'm back somewhere in the spectrum of my addictions.
So hours lost on facebook, stuffing my face (again, when I've only just eaten) the compulsive buying of books (or spending money in general) I do love to read! However, one can enjoy self-discovery and expansion through reading and also completely detach and disassociate from their inner reality; all part of the two sides of my "recovery" & my addiction.
Given my on-going challenge with just staying present in my own skin, perhaps that sheds light on or at least raises questions, regarding my "qualification" to frame myself as a "spiritual" writer. Of course if you consider how much I've been driven by "perfectionism" (albeit shame based) you might imagine I've gone to great lengths to at least appear like I've put in the work. Believe I've been doing the work alright!!! Unfortunately a back slide now and again into self-judgment and ruthless criticism ensures that no matter how much work I've done... it's not enough. Yes I've considered that what is "really" being conveyed is "I am not enough..." I'm just not entirely sure what I'm going to do about that ..... except try and love it (which is to say, me)
Perhaps my delusions of grandeur have been a necessary adjunct on my path; to delivery me to a place of further honesty and willingness, to face myself more deeply. Through writing I discovered for myself a multi-faceted portal of entry. Who says this writing will ever serve anyone else? I'd like to believe it could. First I need to admit that my motives have not always been one hundred percent altruistic. Very little has been undertaken in my life, that doesn't serve my nerve-endings and instincts at some level. I'm not sure one can not be both benefactor and beneficiary; but a conscious intent to serve has not always been my motivation. If I never go on to touch, move or inspire anyone... well, in the case of this blog.. it's free, so you're not out anything.
For all I know maybe one day my "spiritual writing" might have nothing to do with "Spirituality.." Maybe there's already enough experts out there. I know for me, I can't get closer to God while still avoiding myself. After all, "all the kings horses and all the King's men, couldn't put Humpty together again!" (my post, my use of metaphor) A continued seeking outside one's self, certainly hasn't been successful for me, with respect to integration of all the scattered pieces.
All these paradigms with their presentation of perfection, presupposing to be superimposed upon my imperfect humanity. Do you know you could create financial crisis through the purchase of too many "spiritual answers?"
If the "defensive" aspects of one's ego, were created in the first place, to protect against real and imagined threat of annihilation; what kind of terror do you suppose one would create, if they start talking in terms of "destroying the ego!" While I've been harbouring such intents as these derived from one set of "spiritual tenets" or another, I've maintained the status of my inner judge, jury and executioner or hunter, and perpetuated, the striking of "the fear of God," into my own heart. None of which do I believe, has anything to do with God.
I will undoubtedly adopt some form of hybrid web-like spirituality, that has as its keystone element; pragmatism. I need my feet on the ground (whilst my head plies the heavens). I've had all the confusion, illusion, delusion, hallucination, denial, disassociation, repression, tripping I need. Does it mean I won't engage in more - I'd love to be able to say no, but at least to the end of this sentence I'll keep it real.
I didn't originally "seek" spirituality - the avenue I was desperate enough to enlist to save my ass, strongly recommended I resign as the "centre of the universe." As I ply the waters of my psyche I find some aspects that prove to be less than helpful now, have been a little like those self repairing tires; life has poked holes in the armour and it scrambles to reseal itself. For better or for worse - the walls have never been reassembled to their original immensity.
In some literature alcoholics are described as "ego-maniacs" with an inferiority complex" - I can certainly resonate with the former being projected to over-compensate for the latter... The answer is not vilifying either or both..... love, understanding, curiosity - "why do you suppose you, believe it necessary to defend so?" - what are you afraid of? " tell me about your pain......
If you don't believe I, or another addict, deserves this compassionate inquiry ... then, I have the same questions to pose to you.
So then, how to, not come off all bombastic and arrogance - both which are arrows in my quiver and yet - I cannot be "the change I wish to see in the world..." if I'm afraid of my own shadow!!!
And I'm only coming to realize relatively recently, through felt experience, the nature of my fear/anxiety - previously, I wouldn't have acknowledged it to myself, never mind anyone else.
I supposed, that my "recovery" and "spiritual path" would yield me a "bigger than life," life. Do you see even a wisp of "your will, not mine be done," in: "I supposed my life will be.......!!!"
Maybe the biggest miracle enacted upon my life is that I am still alive and sober - through an act of God's grace. (and that's going to be "it!!!")
I'm not entitled, to anything else.
My getting sober doesn't necessarily presume that I'm now a "spiritual teacher.." life is once again knocking me off my high horse and reminding me that apt at times would still be, a rocking horse..
My life over these past three decades has been a demonstration of the power and gifts of God.
God's grace in my life has not been for the aggrandizement of me - that has been where I have allowed the cart to get ahead of the horse.
I suppose the will of God is infinitely patient and can out-wait my agendas and ego-driven shenanigans!
I further suppose I have prayed enough times - "your will, not mine, be done"; that I will be held to my word - even if I go all the way, around the Mulberry bush first.
Sometimes I feel like that dog on the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. How many times did he go ahead and chase that rooster knowing he was bound to a rope attached to his collar. Still he'd run to the end of his rope and near hang himself......
God love me...... Redundancy, it's already a given.... Prodigal though I have been
Who's love is lacking then? Why now, who might that be in the mirror? Why that's me!!!!! Can I really hope to know God's love, without allowing my own??
I could sell a kazillion books and still wind up empty ... without that love from self...
So then, why don't I just go to the mirror & lovingly laugh, at my attempt to grow hair on a balding head..
And just say... I don't care if you never sell another book or write anything ever again...
You know something kid, you're amazing and I love you!!
R. O'Neill (January 13, 2019)
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