Wednesday, 28 November 2018

Write Where I am.....

It wasn't immediately clear to me what direction my musing might take me today. This is not particularly unusual; though often, I might become aware of some "threads," and then sit down to discover, how they are to weave upon the blank screen/page.

A direction prompt presented itself on this occasion, through the avoidance of that blank page. I had returned to my B & B after dropping my rental car off. I had stayed out of town last night, and the car dealership was on my way back into the city centre. I was given a window in the weather system for a nice 20 odd minute walk afterward, during which it was fairly blustery, but only just a fine mist fell.

After enjoying a delicious breakfast (okay brunch) I sat to consider writing. More truthfully, I was to write, what followed was the form, my avoidance of writing took.

It began with a "quick look on Facebook." This departure came replete with it's own associated rationalization. Surely I will come across some "inspiring" article, that will seed my imagination. While this is not entirely impossible, it is far more likely, I will spin my wheels (yielding nothing resembling my intention to "write.")  I can expend considerable time through this dodge. Occasionally I would weigh in with either a reflection on someone else's post (or comments); other times, I would include something of a reflection, along with my own post. Though either involves "writing," it is not the writing I had intended to do, and was in the midst of avoiding.

As it turns out today, something of a "theme," occurred to me via a facebook post - eventually. More accurately my response to the post, got my attention and became the writing prompt.

It involved a notice from one of the local shops that they had got in, these beautiful leather covered journals (& they were going fast). The weather had taken a decided turn for the worse. Not "catastrophic" by any means, but of the variety I would describe as, if you don't need to go out, then why bother?

It was most interesting to me, to be the "fly on my own wall," and listen to the antics around the "need," to "run out" and get myself a journal!!

I have a journal along with me, (from another Ireland trip) ... with plenty of space remaining. I have journals a plenty, in my flat in Victoria - some have been "christened," others are still untouched. Not to mention, I have a laptop which provides me; with endless "blank pages," as long as it remains functional. I don't even know what the price of these journals are - however, the full blown version of acting out compulsively, has for me, never been modulated by prudent financial management. The point was, not to feel - not how much it would cost!

What would compel me to want to venture out, in dodgy weather, for yet another journal? I recognize that these patterns I'm sharing here, include; that despite a fairly strong case for "not spending the money, the time, the energy; innumerable times, I have done just that! (not just to purchase a journal, that just happens to be one of the shapes and forms "sabotage" takes for me - this time.

What would be more present for me today? What has me engaging strategies of "avoidance," and/or clambering for ways and means, to not feel and express, what is going on for me?

Today, (for this trip) is my last full day in Derry. It also means I'm only three full days away from returning to Canada. I have friends here (that are "the family I can chose,") I love these people. Progress for me is to acknowledge that, rather than avoid allowing myself, to even acknowledge it. I am "less" fearful that allowing love (is a kin to inviting pain) - I am "less" fearful, that I won't see them again. I see myself returning to Ireland... while at the same time, I don't know what "tomorrow" has in store.

I was reared within a framework comprised of "don't feel," "don't speak," "don't trust." Variations would include: "you'll get hurt," "there's not enough," "you can't do it," "be grateful for what you have, what makes you think you deserve anything more?"

Love is said to be infinite. I've struggled at places in time, to conceive it has any substance beyond "Hallmark."

I dance with it all now, allowing it in, expressing it to those that matter to (in different ways, shapes and forms) ... I gather there's a book that describes the "5 forms" love might be expressed... maybe that give some basis to understanding - or at least recognizing, that someone else's different form of expression is no "less love." Just the same, if "infinite" is accurate, then; one is going to be hard pressed to contain it - in a book of "5 forms," or 5, 000, 000.

I endeavour right now to acknowledge both love in my heart, for those I care about & the country of Ireland; and that it hurts, to consider leaving all of it. To be clear, I went through the same thing leaving Victoria (Canada) to come here. I don't even really know how to "open my heart." I just hold an intention of not closing it off ...  each time I feel challenging, feelings from within it. I suppose it good to hold the ideals of love as guideposts, but I can't ignore all the ways I created to "damn the river." Ideally each as it is discovered, will be embraced in love itself. It's an ongoing process for me, given the vehicle through which, I am more consistently allowing to give and receive love - is that which continues to need healing, for that which was previously thought to be "unloveable." (which historically was the justification for withholding/avoiding love.

I see my writing as potentially, a vehicle for, loving authentic self-expression. Of course it could just as readily be, a vehicle of self-deception and repression.

I am not going to go and get "that journal." It doesn't matter how "beautiful" it is, nor if they are a "great deal." This is not an exercise in self-depravation or martyrdom; nor a demonstration of my stellar self-control.

I don't need another journal. But again, the journal is only a representation of a series of patterns, that don't work for me anymore. It would be a quantum leap toward loving myself, to not hurt myself through spending money unnecessarily, and in general; to run interference, with what's going on in my heart. I need to express what's on my heart. I don't " need" to be on facebook or to be running around town, trying to stay one step ahead of my feelings.

Maybe this is a turning point .... I have to acknowledge I'm writing about it - I didn't go and act it out!!

Nothing I have shared here is revolutionary perhaps, in anyone else's life.

My soul's journey is just that, my soul's journey. It is impossible for me to express that of another's and serves no helpful purpose, to make comparisons.

R. O'Neill (November 28, 2018)

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