T'was the Night .... (but we've been here) before

So much anticipation, which has been amassing now for varying lengths of time. I suppose if you worked in some avenues of retail, then you've been unloading Christmas merchandise since October. It begins with a whisper and gathers momentum... until it's whipped into a frenzy which in some regards, hits the apex around about now, (Christmas Eve). Of course depending on, to what degree one embraces the "twelve days of Christmas," then there is more to come beyond tomorrow, the day beyond all days.

I had one client visit today for the home care company I work for. The "clients" are an elderly couple - he generally leaves soon after I arrive to attend a "day program;" which leaves his wife. Most often their daughter is there visiting and co-ordinating (grocery deliveries, pharmacy orders, house maintenance contractors etc.) Today, she is down and out at her own home (recent health issues and the run up to Christmas are taking their toll). So the two seniors are home today, and I'm there to see to their midday meal, get another meal ready for them to have later - make up a guest room for "Christmas company" and various odds & ends. Neither resident is in possession of "total recall" with respect to memory ... She however, knows Christmas is looming - "sometime soon!" In truth, there's very little or nothing for her to do. I don't think she gets out much independently and most likely everything has been pre-arranged, by their daughter. Even though she's convinced she should be out there up to her elbows in the chaos, she doesn't really have the capacity to do so anymore. Still, she cannot relax - a lifetime of conditioning to be wound up for the holidays, has her in it's grips..

"I'm sure I should be doing something..." it's Christmas today!"

"I don't think there's much left for you to do..." "Christmas" is tomorrow..." You're daughter is resting today, and will be over tomorrow." "Then between all of you, the day will unfold.. I know from being here last week, she was working even then, to prearrange everything...."

"But I should be cooking for dinner tonight!!"

"I hear your concerned about this all coming together, but there's not as much to do, as you might think." That's why I'm here, remember..."

"Yes, that's right - thank God you're here!! and on such short notice (well not exactly, it's a scheduled visit and wait until you try the lunch I've prepared you, and see if you still believe my being here is divine intervention).

"But what about Christmas dinner?" I should get that in now!!"

There were two large foil containers on the counter... One contained an assortment of mixed pre-cooked veggies, the other sliced turkey in gravy (also pre-cooked) ... I'm guessing they are from the same meal order place they utilize for their regular meals - these two platters, were likely previously frozen and have been left out, to thaw to be reheated Christmas day....

"No need to worry look at all this," I showed her what was all pre-made ready to go....

"We should get that in, now!!"

I explained to her again, "dinner" is tomorrow - this is all here ready, only needing reheating... Your daughter will come and the two of you, will whip it all together!"

"Now all you need to do is relax, and have the soup and sandwiches you requested for your lunch."

Additional versions and variations of this conversation continued through the rest of the visit. My mandate was achieved ... they got a hot lunch, there was spaghetti and a salad for dinner later .. kitchen cleaned, guest room made up .. companionship provided...

All this aside - apparently, you cannot keep someone from stewing about Christmas, if that is what they want to do. Even when all the gears of cognition, are not entirely meshing, the programming to be stressed over Christmas lives on! Christmas "present" is somehow over-shadowed by the PTSD of Christmases past and replays again & again.

I have zero exceptions around Christmas for tomorrow. I'm not against it per se. I'm neither religious nor atheist. I wish for everyone  - the fulfillment of every, of their heart desires. My lack of expectation will ensure, that whatever I experience tomorrow, that will be exactly what I experience and, the day will be Christmas (the two may not necessarily be inter-related though they could be) If there is even the smallest thread of human decency, what a beautiful thing that would be to behold. Nothing that I might be involved in tomorrow will come about specifically "because of Christmas." The sun will rise, the sun will set (somewhere behind the Westcoast cloud cover). Most of the stores will be closed, preparing for "Boxing Week" (but in particular Boxing day) madness. Starbuck's will likely hold their tradition and work their employees.

Zero expectation.... zero stress. I am not all awash with jubilance .... I am not immobilized by grief. I occupy the spaces on the spectrum in between. I would prefer my day to day life, to at least have some moments, of peace and contentment (many do). I'm not going to allow Christmas-mania, to derail my tenuous march toward equanimity. If I make it, to become a septuagenarian or octogenarian, I am not going to have the last reels of my cognition, be pre-conditioned Christmas stress - that become activated the moment "Grandma gets Run Over by A Reindeer.."

I want profoundly, an end to human suffering - anything or any way, that I participate over this Season, must as a requisite element, contribute to that vision.

While out and about in the community ... I will do my utmost to stay visible, so as not to become collateral damage in someone's zeal, to get a "bigger" screen T.V.

R. O'Neill (December 24, 2019)