In Order to Release ... You Must First Let Go!

I suppose there could be at least as many ways to "change a life" as there are people to conceive how they might go about doing it. "It was once said that you never cross the same river twice." From this we can glean that change is constant. I believe in the course of seven years time, all of the billions of cells that make up our physical being have been replaced. So despite the illusion of stasis everything is in a state of flux.

The Buddhists can certainly speak more comprehensively about "impermanence" and "attachment" than I can. Even still I am going focus this post around the idea of change, unless of course I "change my mind" mid-stream.

Change can occur through such events as divorce, or a career move,  a geographical relocation, passing over of friends/family, an accident or an illness/disease. Some of the a fore mentioned can bring about a significant adjustment/integration period. In other cases, a cycle of grief might be evoked.

There are changes that are consciously initiated and those that come upon us unexpectedly. Even in the case of the planned changes, there can be expected unknown ways in which this choice will be impactful, which simply couldn't be apparent until after the implementation.

Simultaneously one can experience excitement and anticipation of the "new" while continuing to miss the "old." Holding on too tightly to the past can compromise the experience of the present, even impeding the flow of new opportunity; somewhat like building a dam across the river.

Change can be brought about at the level of the material, could involve a change of thinking or attitude; as well, as at the emotional/spiritual level. Of course these different levels might more closely resemble a weave than a stack of building blocks; so a change at any "level" can certainly impact other or all levels.

It would be an exhaustive (ing) exercise to try and delineate all the changes I have gone through (even in the last couple years); beyond that, I'm not sure it would make the most riveting reading. Keeping this in mind, I will just look at a few recent examples.

I have felt guided and inspired to simplify my life; means to that end have been unfolding over the last eight years or so. (ever since I got on my own again after a divorce). There have been vast fluctuations in income over this period of time. During what developed into an all time low in terms of cash flow, it seemed to me only natural to hone such focus as "prioritizing"and  "back to basics." Simplification was the natural spawn of this turn of events. I'm not sure I would have chosen this circumstance by "design" however it was certainly effective, demanding immediate attention. There was no room for waffling.

It was over this period of time that I came to realize many "things" that I might have previously been thoroughly convinced were "necessities," simply were not. So much in the stew of consciousness at any given time, I would be hard-pressed to identify what if anything, I experienced as various things dropped away. It seems to me that for the most part, I was more focused on what was presently the reality than, what had been. Whole paradigms of mindsets can be shaken up or melted down as the winds of change blow through a life. I would do well to remember that I am frequently putting visions, prayers and invocations out; therefore instead of presuming they are falling on "deaf ears" or going unanswered, I can remind myself that the "letting go" process may extend far beyond what I believe to be "redundant." So then, a release of expectation regarding how my prayers are answered can readily shorten periods of angst.

It might sound obvious however it has been part of my education; at any given income level it can be "stretched" much further if I'm not constantly spending money on stuff I don't need. A "small income" can seem like considerably more, if consuming is adjusted. In this regard I can attest "less is more." I'm not advocating depravation or scarcity or that a low income is more "virtuous" than a high one. I am saying, that even a higher income would seem exponentially greater if my expectation of what is "necessary" remains simple.  Taking care of what I have, can help ensure I'm not always needing to replace things prematurely (though this can still be challenging as so much these days is not created to last).

I am still integrating a recent experience of having fasted for six consecutive days. The volume of food I consume has definitely decreased. Significant money can disappear eating out frequently and even when I have had a meal out lately; I may then have little or nothing once I get home. I am also getting more familiarized with checking in, to distinguish when I am actually "hungry," from when the body is "speaking;" and my go-to habituated pattern is to bombard it with food. I'm not here to tell anyone you "should or shouldn't" do this - I do know now for me, it is not necessary.

I recently acted on something I have been considering for sometime now. I loaded up my "entertainment centre" and hauled it off to the thrift store. The first thing I realized was, you can walk down the sidewalk adjacent to a main city thoroughfare with a hand-dolly loaded with a cabinet and then a flat-screen t.v. and dvd player in the middle of the day and no one bats an eye. I haven't had "cable" for years so largely when people are discussing the latest programming phenomenon I have no idea what they are talking about. However, through acquiring "Netflix" I soon discovered I was able to avail myself of "series," past and more recent; and "binge" watch them (no commercials - no waiting until next week for the next episode. What an abyss that creates for me! It doesn't serve my higher good in any way, shape or form (never mind anything beyond me). Someone pointed out to me that even though the service is commercial-free one is getting blitzed with all sorts of imagery on screen "fashion" electronic devices, food and beverage I don't think overall, I was influenced to purchase additional stuff; however, I seemed to invariably want to eat while I watched (even if I had already had a meal before settling in). So perhaps some form of lack was being triggered in me while I viewed and in lieu of "retail therapy," food was a conditioned answer to the call.  It was great to recoup a little space in my living area - most definitely there are "many more hours" now in the day. I also know that should the opportunity arise to see a movie with someone or I go on my own occasionally-it will once again be a "novelty" and I will far more greatly appreciate it as such. I always have the option of getting a dvd from the library from time to time and watching it on my lap top.  Again, it will be a novelty and it will have to be a conscious choice because it will entail going to the library and factoring in if I take the movie out, at some point I'm going to need to return it (for me sometimes) that is enough to have me realize that the energy expended is not worth the return.

Another change that I have decidedly implemented was declaring that I will be in Belfast this September (2016). Straight away, this is a different approach because I frequently employ the "strategy" that if all conditions align to go, then "maybe" I will etc. (it never bloody works!) At least I can say I know there to be no power in that, one of my "old ways." I need and want the experience of standing in it and seeing how things align around making it happen. This feels outside my comfort zone; which in no way means it's ill-advised.  What if, nothing but going there is the only option? That considerably raises the stakes with regard to what it is going to take from me. At the same time - it's "for me." Am I not worth a steadfast commitment? I frankly hope it vastly impacts more than me, however at present, I need to treat it as though, in going I have everything to gain and that "it"(I) matters immensely. It already feels - very different to me. I'll save what the North of Ireland represents to me for another post. For the moment, the vision represents, what would it look and feel like, to focus my energies on a particular vision (not allowing or at least becoming more aware of, the ways in which and what do I "make more important" when I set out to do something) and even if some creep in, how can I navigate this and still reach my objective?

What if yes to me, my vision and by extension, decisions that will continue to support the realization of the vision are what really matters here? Not revelatory ideas in themselves but I can already feel how they can create a revolution/evolution in my world. There is far more that I don't know about with regard to this coming into being - but I can only say the excitement for me seems to merit the commitment. I want to be able to say "I gave everything I have to make this occur." That in itself conjures "risk" but I have experienced enough examples of "life happening outside the comfort zone" that this must be given the green-light! Logic and reason are not in themselves "the enemy" except when they are! I need to embrace the "critic," "the saboteur" the "doubting Thomas" even the "victim," give them all a seat on the bus; invite their various attributes along, while at the same time make it very clear - none of you are driving the bus!

The most recent release was this morning - I got a late call for a shift at one of the places I work. I accepted it and set out to figure out how I was going to get there "on time." Not knowing when a bus might arrive, I reasoned I could probably get there closer to the intended start time, if I used the time to walk rather than wait for the bus. As I got out the front door of my condo building down the block was a bus coming. I dashed for the bus stop at the next stop - the bus had to wait for others to load so I got there in time to board as well. As the bus pulled away I simultaneous realized I will be "on time" and my iPod earbuds were dangling in space with nothing on the end. I slapped my pocket that previous held my iPod - GONE! Shit! Do I jump off at the next stop, run back and retrieve it? No, I decided - I'll be late!
"Let it go!"
 "Let it go!!!? Say what?
"Let it go!"
"But it cost....."
"Let it go!"
"Don't I get some say in what I release and when?"
"Let it go!" (and no, not necessarily)
Ok, I can do this (imagine how excited someone's going to be when the score themselves a free iPod - I've certainly been "gifted" many things in my life and at best this is a "first world problem.")

I got to work on time, on an even keel and then a little bit of "making me wrong" thoughts began to creep in!

Well clearly I don't want to be carrying things of that sort in that pocket again!
When I replace that ....best not put it in that pocket ever again!
"Let it go!" (and the trash talk)

Busy morning, no time to dwell on what had occurred.

Then a coffee break - seems I needed to share the story (and "now I'm working for free given the "cost" of my loss") cue the violins.

The "reflections" from a co-worker "you SHOULD have just come in late, we knew you were coming!"

Hmm.. (to myself) well now, I can feel my resolve to follow my guidance quivering a little. I could put some music on my phone...... Ah but not nearly enough room and then there'd be no storage left for anything else.
"Let it go!"
I could go back on my lunch break and see if maybe it fell some unseen?
"Let it go!" (you could, if it will make you happy)

I started to walk back, again believing I could cover more ground in the time I had, than waiting for a bus. I got to the next stop up the block and others were waiting. A quick check had one reply there was a bus in five minutes. Got the bus, got back to the block between my front door and the stop I ran to - no sign of it anywhere. (not surprising as I then saw there would be virtually no where it could fall and remain unseen by the next person that walked by).

I sat at the bus stop satisfied that at least I tried and then began to "google search" whether the same device was available anymore. Turns out they don't retail them any more but they can still be obtained new and used from various sources.  Everything that is available now at retail outlets are actually far smaller in terms of storage capacity and/or have a number of features that duplicate those on my phone (well less storage is lame - my "collection" won't even fit). When I looked around the web at the ranges in prices for new or used equivalent units (or some with even more storage) I then began the mental gymnastics with the prices. Interestingly I couldn't whole heartedly embrace even the lowest price (which wasn't all that low after exchange rates, shipping and who know's maybe "duty" tacked on by customs).

"Well I could........"
"Let it go!"
The new prices are out of the question...... used..... well I could .... but how long is it going to last?
"Let it go!"

Oh ya I have my decision making - divination coin!
Should I buy this model?
No!
Right, too expensive!
Ok, how about this used one?
No!
Should I replace it at all?
No!
Hmm.. maybe a different line of questioning
Do I need to listen more?
"Yes"
Right... listen more and not necessarily to an iPod?
"Yes"
"Let it go."
"Let it go!"

I seem to be getting from this experience a deeping of a previous recognition:
1) I don't have all the answers.
2) I don't need all the answers.
3) I need to continue to learn how to ask better questions.

Did I not say I need the experience of committing to a vision and allowing things to align in support of this vision?

I would say, it has begun!
For all I know, my ancestors (whom I suspect have planted the seed of my journey to Belfast) plucked the iPod right out of my pocket - my life is changing and I think I'm in for quite the ride!

Believing then Seeing (I get it ...... at least in this Now)

My journey whether it is deemed spiritual or not, leaves me to conclude that my life and therefore writing that reflects the view I live with, must now come from outside the closet. What closet would I be referring to? Well - not the one that phrase is usually associated with. While I like the idea of being able to play with language conventions; I suppose I can't take a what is an idiom with a widely accepted definition, drop it into a sentence and expect that my varied usage will be understood as I intend it.

So then, the "closet" I refer to, is one that would keep me from living and expression an unabashed love for creation and it's creator. I will say up front, that I don't lay claim to be able to explain or to "prove" the existence of : The Creator; Great Spirit; God; The Divine. Nor do I deem it necessary for this budding love affair to begin and flourish. I resign from the debating society - the relationship is outside (or maybe better said inside) the bounds of intellectual abstraction; so time spent on trying to gain "understanding" of that which I might never understand, or to try and convince someone else to "see things my way," is just energy lost that could be directed to a deeper knowing of this love.

I will listen to the viewpoint of others both as a means of understanding what is important to them and as these finite discussions are attempting to describe the infinite; each further description I hear illuminates for me, another facet. The entire jewel if not unknowable, certainly won't be revealed at a Sunday afternoon tea.

I book that I "found" over one month ago (entitled "The Purpose Driven Life") which despite it's Christian orientation, is offering me a fresh perspective on a wide variety of matters. It has daily readings that span forty days (a number that has potent transformational power, which I have experienced in previous "practices"). I am within a week of finishing the first time through. I don't believe in coincidence, so my stumbling across the book was no mistake. I decided to read it with an open mind, not to get hung up on the theology and just see what unfolds. The book is packed full of a wide variety of biblical references, scriptures etc. most that I have never seen before on many facets of life. I have not seen them as being contained within the bible, despite some having familiarity from a wide variety of "personal development books," because of long standing prejudice on my part toward the bible. I find I am still able to hold what I am reading with spaciousness. I see that there are available through the authors website, reading guides for varying lengths of time, to read the entire bible. I am convinced I am going to experience this. Whether I ever look at the bible again afterward, I have decided I can't go through the rest of my life relating or not relating to the bible, without ever having read it. And so it shall be - I will read it.

The book outlines the "essentials" of "purpose" as being one of serving (specifically serving God). I am familiar with the practice of service from a wide variety of environments (some rooted in Christianity some not). My familiarity doesn't exclude the potential for growing and expanding my living these principals.

The book also delves into the existence for everyone of "God given talents/passions," ways to discover them, and the "purpose" found in offering them to the world in service. Again not a new idea to me - nor I imagine to many that might read this. It just so happens I'm "hearing" it differently now - perhaps the "student is ready!"

I decided to offer what I've got right now in service and for the soul purpose of glorifying God. The arena I could "field test" this in, was my busking. If I lay aside any criticism I might have toward my singing/playing and keep in mind my love of doing it first, and second, the number of positive reflection I continually receive; then here is something I can claim as a known talent (never mind what talents remain undiscovered). Who am I to shirk God's gift? Whatever talents I "possess" are not mine to (as I believe it says in the bible "hide under a bushel") they are meant to be shared with the world otherwise my withholding cheats the world and denies my purpose.

So I hit the streets over the last couple days (with nothing different in the way of repertoire) however I most certainly held an entirely different presence. I prayed on the way to the locations I intended to play at - I prayed before I started. I asked to be used in service - in love for creation and the Creator.

The first thing that happened was I fellow dropped a dollar in my case while I was still setting up. I thanked him and said "I haven't even sang the first song yet!" he thanked me and went on his way.

Next, while I was playing, a young women sat down on the grass behind me and was eating a mango. Then she got up and came over and put a five dollar bill in my case. I stopped and expressed my appreciation and she said "hey from one busker to another you got talent man - you earned it!" "Beside that - if I put five in, others will see that it's ok and do the same!" I said "I hope that comes back to you ten fold!" "Oh it will she said - Guaranteed!"

She was an angel from God, her energy was playful and fun; we chatted in between songs and she added some beautiful harmonies to some of the songs I sang. Then just as she said someone else matched her tip with another five dollar bill. I'm not saying that financial remuneration is all what this is about, however, if folks want to fill my case to overflowing, I will gladly carry it home! While I played music she offered on two occasions to get me coffee and another store patron gave me a gluten free danish.

After she had gone, I finished my set and then sat on a street bench enjoying my danish and coffee marvelling in the wonder of being "in the flow" (again not just monetarily but there's no question, if I'm going to spend more time doing and sharing my gifts" I need to be able to support myself doing it) so "Let it Be Done - If it is Your Will!"

I decided to try a new spot (for me) and set up to play at the entrance to a town square right beside a pub with outside tables. (Oh I should add that I had a "lady bug" on my sleeve which moved at times down to my hand, onto the neck of the guitar all the time I was playing - at the second spot I discovered "my lady" was still with me even after walking a dozen or so blocks to get there) I determined through the toss of a coin (which had been blessed with a prayer to be used as a tool of divination for casting decisions - as an aside my practice with this coin has been to allow the "decision" to be binding and trust the outcome will benefit me without a need to second guess the alternative choice) -  I would play here for an hour. Inside of an hour I had over twenty five dollars. People were still giving me money after I was finished and packing up. One guy called me out into the street while he sat in the car at a red light and dumped a handful of coins in my hand. Earlier in the "performance" while I was sorting through my song sheets a women ran down from the patio tables and handed me a five dollar bill and said, "I thought you were packing up so I wanted to make sure you got this, we were really enjoying your singing while we ate lunch."

While I was singing "Let it Be" another gentlemen waited until I was finished and then placing a two dollar coin in my case and said, "that is one of my favourite songs ever since I converted to Catholicism." I thanked him for sharing his beautiful story - in part because "Mother Mary" is very significant to me." It get's better, when I got to a coffee shop after playing, I looked up lady bugs (as is my practice when i have a visitation by beings from the natural world) it turns out this variety of beetle is said to have been given it's name after "Our Lady" The story goes, that crops in a particular area of Europe were infested with insects that were decimating them - prayers were sent out to Mary and the beetles with their voracious appetite for these "pests" saved the crops and the beetles were named accordingly.

Today's busking was fraught with wonder as well. After a successful session at the library courtyard (one of my favourite spots as the sound is so good - and it's quiet ambiance allows a more relaxed singing voice) - I went to another spot I haven't been to for awhile (determined by a sacred toss of the coin) almost immediately I had two American dollar bills). A little later a women stopped with her baby carriage, I played peek-a-boo with the baby while I was singing and "mom" gave me a five dollar bill. I stopped to talk to her long enough to find out she was visiting from Vancouver - she then suggested to me, I "get back to singing" you're very good and people won't pay if you're not singing."

A while later two young men walked past - I suppose my back ground in various nursing care/companion scenarios revealed to me this was one young man (with very unique gifts) being accompanied by another (with his own skill set) the one gentlemen dropped a dollar in my case, I thanked them - they thanked me (I happened to notice the one fellow had a guitar pick in his hand) they stopped a few paces past me and I stopped playing and asked "do you collect guitar picks?" his face lit up and he answered "Yes I do!!" "would you like this one?" I indicated the one I was currently using. He excitedly said "oh yes." When I saw the one he had was purple, as was the one I was using I said "would you like a different colour?" (knowing I had a few others in my pocket). He asked what other colours I had and when I told him he said, "can I have the purple one anyway?" I said "of course, enjoy it." He thanked me, his companion was noticeably touched and thanked me and then gave me more money.  All this was made possible by a flash observation of a guitar pick in the young man's hand as he walked by (and then following my guidance to ask him about it) - most of my life I have been of the opinion that I see "useless" details in life - I see things nobody seems to notice or care about was my assessment (so what's the use of seeing them? - blah.. blah.. blah) I was shown today, that a seeming insignificant "seeing" can be very meaningful to someone.

I later wound up singing in front of one of the liquor stores - the sun was still shining I was enjoying myself and after finishing a song I bent over to get another song sheet and when I stood up my guitar caught under my music stand and tipped it over. Just then I fellow came out of the store and asked me, "have you had a drink yet today?" I responded no - he said, maybe you ought to!" smiled and handed me a mini bottle of "Captain Morgan's rum" (I haven't drank for over twenty nine years) but I didn't want to be ungracious so I took it, thanked him and slipped it in my pocket.  A short while later a fellow who had come by on his bike came out of the liquor store and was unlocking his bike to depart. ( I see him around town regularly - he generally has bags full of "returns", which maybe he emptied himself, maybe the hard-earned gains of binning) anyway I stopped playing and said "brother, would you enjoy this?" reached into my pocket and fished out the rum. I further stated, someone gave me that as a tip and I don't drink, so I thought you might like it?" He said, buddy you just made my day!" "You sound really good, I'm sorry I can't give you anything!" "That's quite alright I said, this has nothing to do with you giving me anything - "I received this as a "gift" and I just wanted to pass it forward to you."

After completing my singing there - I treated myself to a couple slices of delicious pizza and caught a bus into town. I was sitting in a coffee shop writing this story and even though I knew, from the hours posted on the door, there was one hour until closing, I asked one of the servers for "confirmation" she indicated that they were closing "early" tonight (not very busy). I finished what I was currently writing so as not to lose my train of thought, packed up my stuff and left. I went in the direction of another coffee shop to see if it was open, the same direction would take me to my bus stop alternatively. There was a gentlemen in the middle of the side walk having a smoke, I walked around him. After I passed him I heard, "would you like to make a few dollars?" I turned to see it had been this same guy that posed the question. "What do you have in mind?"  I asked. "Do you play?' with a head gesture toward my guitar. "In fact I do." "I'm sitting on the patio with my lady friend, could you sing her a song?" "Would you get in trouble?" "I can't see why I would, only one way to find out, let's do it!"  He pointed out the table he was sitting at and laid out "the plan" do you have a song that would be appropriate?" he asked "Well of course it's quite a personal choice, I replied, but would she be familiar with "John Denver?" He said "I am" "Well then, how about "Annie's Song" "You fill up my senses.......... etc.) "Ya that's perfect!" he said.  He slipped back into the restaurant and I set up outside where his girl friend was sitting. When she finally noticed me, I indicated that I had a song to sing for her. She looked surprised at her boyfriend and when I began to sing they embraced and kissed and kissed some more. It was just like a scene from a movie - except I was in the movie instead of watching it. It was so beautiful to be "used" for such a tender loving moment. I finished, people in the adjacent patio enclosure were applauding; the couple were very grateful and I was touched beyond description. While he went into the restaurant to get some cash to tip me, I learned that they were together tonight "a reunion" after a twelve year absence. I was awe struck at being orchestrated into this scenario. He returned thanked me profusely and slipped me twenty dollars. I quickly packed up and left so as not to impinge further on their space and the amorous exchange that was ensuing.

All in all, an extraordinary sequence of events (for me at any rate) giving full credence to the adage "God moves in mysterious ways his wonders to perform." (incidentally I'm not stuck on God being "him" - I don't however feel I can take poetic license with the scriptures even if I'm still exploring what I hold to be true).

Please... Ears to Hear within the Silence.

When I consider my life experience to date it occurs to me that it is framed by an excess concern for and supply from, the material plane and a deficit of the more intangible, albeit life enriching qualities, which some identify as being; if not the cobblestones, then perhaps the mortar that binds them and therefore a key component of, the "spiritual path."

As a frame of reference, I have read in the "bios" of others the claim of "urban mystic" or "monk" God knows (pun intended) "ordained" by whom. I would prefer to avoid comparisons despite I suppose it now being too late - however I hesitate to lay claim to such labels/titles partly because I don't know when I would have attained apt experience to wear the cloak and also to apply such tags are bound to illicit preconceived notions in both the reader, not to mention in I, that is doing the writing.

I can say I've been a life long seeker of truth; even when I spent as much time tripping over or falling on, the sword of acclaim, as wielding it with anything a kin to prowess or finesse. Perhaps even still my skills might be better suited to a dry-land sort splitting rough cut logs than possessing the necessary sensitivity to perform a delicate surgical extraction (no offence intended to woodsmen or surgeons).

I  am in awe of the heart and soul of those who walked paths of their own - perhaps only to reveal that it never was theirs to begin with; their passion inspires every fibre of my being. But no longer  do I want to reference in my writing what they have said or done; preferring now to both live or die on my own experience.

Can I lay claim to a "calling" when I initially sought to ease my own pain? My short answer (which is practically impossible for me) is I now know the "pain" was not recognizing I was being "called" and therefore ignoring that which sought me, not to anaesthetize, but to love me. To be clear, this in no way  makes me "special" - I believe anyone and everyone can and is "called" but can choose when or if, to listen.

I suppose I would be completely hamstrung - without utilizing some forms of definition particularly as I choose to express through writing; each descriptor simultaneously limiting. At best, I attempt to hold them lightly allowing all expression to have an organic expansive quality.  Having said that I consider my writing to be contemplative; conversely at present, as I write this; rather than the solitude of a "monk's chamber," I am in a downtown coffee shop where an "open mike" is underway. Though I sometimes wear the clothes of an "entertainer" tonight I'm hear (ing) to provide the listening (I had no idea this event was on tonight).  I came alone - though I suppose it could be said I am here along with everyone else. Not being sure how one establishes the truth of a particular claim - I would say nonetheless, that I have mined my aloneness and loneliness long enough, to find the door to solitude and now cherish it's spaciousness and portability.

What a sonically diverse menu of styles, song choices and expression that is being served as I sit here - for me what is worth noting, is the heart and soul of each man (the opening performance was a female vocalist/musician and has been all male since) I watch as each in turn shines that much brighter having extended their offering and receiving the love and appreciation of an audience that is easily out numbered by the collective performers. " Brothers with arms" - musical arms - while I am engaged in writing I am present to my part in the give and take of appreciation. Seamlessly I appreciate them showing up, while extending them appreciation. I can't even begin to ascertain how the energy they are sharing is influencing my expression. I suppose I might take further license to "jam"(or use that as an excuse for my writing that is pretty much free association and "stream of consciousness"all the time; while at the same time, I have an opportunity to express my appreciation - to see to it that these folks know the love that they are (what they do with that later is not my business).

So I'm not sure "it's better to give than receive" I can't tell where one ends and the other begins - I can say it's better than just taking.

All these people are putting "it" on the line - they are risking of themselves. I know the balance between encouragement, confidence building and willingness to show up again. It can't be completely about external approval, at the end of the day internal fortitude might be more important in order to suit up again; but some appreciation along the way is certainly of value. If I find "my world" is lacking in such things as appreciation that might then behoove me to be the supply of appreciation or at least the vessel through which it flows.

It seems to me increasingly unlikely that my part is just to point out what is missing in the world - instead I could be conceiving how I'm going to ensure, that I do my part to fill in the gaps.

The coffee shop was about to close - I expressed my appreciation directly to some of the musicians and walked the short distance to a bus stop. While I waited I observed the atmosphere and changing face of the Victoria streets after dark. There is no question I was richer for my time spent. I pondered the apparent struggle of some that roamed the streets - looking to be seen, wanting to be heard and understood; many angry and in pain. I can best serve by trying to understand and loving rather than judging.

Now at home I consider some of the ideas that went through my head as additional tangents to what I have written. At this point it seems even to me, a stretch to try and weave them in now. Perhaps it is preferable to just allow them to fade into the silence as I allow just that, to envelope me within my sanctuary.

,

My Love - Your Alms

Will I pilgrimage through unknown worlds
That I might make your acquaintance?
Will I ply the waters of inner space?
Dismantling illusory walls.
Chemical keys,
Unlocking previously unseen doors.
Will this then win your favour?
Will I discover your heart,
As I renounce the world's oyster?
Can I come to know you,
While I hunger - at the banquet table?
Will plummeting three thousand feet,
Proclaim my faith?
Is the silence,
Twenty fathoms beneath the sea,
Enough that I might hear your name?
What is left but to dare to love you?

The Hunger Game

To coincide with a 6 day workshop I participated in recently, I was inspired to fast for the entire time. With no prior "experience" or research I decided to allow myself to be guided through the process. As a result;  I consumed water, green tea and coconut water (to ensure my electrolytes remained adequately maintained).

The workshop itself I won't describe in great detail; as that is not the focus of this post. Suffice to say, it contained aspects of self-exploration, spirituality, mysticism and self-development (to delineate a few facets). Limiting beliefs, paradigms of all varieties can and do come up for examination. Long held boxes comprised of wounds from the past, mistaken beliefs can be discovered and released creating a space of possibility from which to live into life more fully.

A couple of weeks prior to the workshop, I had already resumed additional physical activity and revised my nutritional intake in order to drop some weight quickly - with the idea being, when it came time to reintroduce a wider variety of foods type it would be done on a selective basis. The day of the workshop I ate fairly lightly mid-day and I had intended not to eat again before arriving that evening. (my past experience in the workshop was that a "heavier" meal often didn't sit well with me once I began to participate. During the first evening there was some general informational discussion primarily targeted at new participants. It was during this sharing that the idea of "fasting" was briefly touched on. Even still, the idea of it touched something in me and it was on!

I haven't gone completely without food for quite sometime, so that in itself figured to make this an illuminating experience for me. I really had no idea how I would respond to this and very much took on a "one day (or portion of the day) at a time" with respect to managing myself within the container of potential ongoing hunger.

I felt it important to frame this commitment as a portal of self-discovery and to minimize the idea that it was any sort of deprivation or punishment. The idea was not to create suffering. Nor was this to be a "demonstration" of any "holier than thou" or superiority. It was to be upheld as something I had taken on for myself and therefore an act of self-love; while at the same time, it was to happen parallel and autonomously to, what anyone else was doing.

The experience of "hunger" didn't vary a great deal through the ensuing days.  It became somewhat more acute after whatever I'd had to drink digested and lessened when I took in some fluids. I certainly noticed that I began to anticipate the "flavour" of the few things I was taking orally through the day (including tooth paste in the morning and evening and even the 15ml of a natural elixir I took each morning that was a combination of ingredients to lessen inflammation and repair tissue - the rest of the day was "taste-less.")

I never really experienced any drop in energy, though there was the odd occasion when I felt a little "woozy" (however not for long). If anything, my energy was elevated and more consistent throughout the day and as there was no "meals," there was no post-meal drowsiness.

It began to become clear that the volume and frequency that I often ate was arbitrarily established and certainly didn't strictly speaking, represent; replenishing the fuel tank.  Food (where I'm concerned) being so readily available and universally socially acceptable, can be consumed anytime, anywhere. My use of food to "fill the void" and/or repress feelings I was consciously or unconsciously trying to avoid became more apparent. Conversely my dalliance with fasting ensured that I was present to all my feelings (and those of others) far more consistently.

As well as my personal consumption habits being brought more to the foreground, I also became aware of this sensation of hunger being the constant companion of so many in the world and for vastly longer periods of time than my fasting period.

I must say that "getting back into my body" the practice and suggestion of so many different paths is most certainly facilitated through this practice. Frequent over-eating on the other hand, just leaves me "feeling" dense, sluggish "stuffed" and numb. Physical detoxification I understand to be a consequence of fasting, so I'm sure I have benefited in this respect.

Reflective interaction with various co-participants was varied throughout the process and while not a motivating or mitigating factor, still, an interesting factor to ponder. Some folks were "encouraging" and inspired by my having taken this on.  At the other end of the spectrum there were those that often offered me food. Possible reasons for that might include social conditioning and a desire to ensure everyone is "included." Other rationale might involve "group-mind" sorts of views that are more comfortable when everyone is participating along with the group. There could even be some with the unconscious desire to have me "fail" thereby deriving a greater sense that it is not necessary that they change anything or uphold any sort of commitment for themselves. I outline these possibilities not to specifically suggest I encountered any of them or to accuse anyone. Rather I became more aware of the need for, the challenges of,  and personal responsibility involved, in upholding my own path. Even if I experienced any of the previously mentioned sabotage attempts - at the end of the day, if I succumbed to an outcome contrary to my vision; that would have been a decision and action I took. As such, the only one that could be held accountable for that is me.

I believe that having successfully completed my objective I benefit on multiple levels. The ramifications exist both for the short term and a longer range impact. I strive to "play a bigger game" I acknowledge that will unquestionably involve in various ways, the "stretching of my comfort zones." This experience shows me that I can continue to "show up" for a commitment that asks something from me. I can hold my own path while it is being questioned or when I'm being invited to join others in their pursuits. I have no desire to posture myself as "better than" through activities such as this. However, I need to know that I can do it. I need the expanded experience of charting and maintaining my own course. This is something I'd would love to help foster in others. (to be clear -their following their own guidance and visions - not the following of mine).

In my desire and design to deepen my connection to life, nature and that which created it all, I recognize the need for deeper connection to myself. This in turn allows for a deeper connection with those around me as I can share more authentically from a foundation within myself. As this latest practice has most certainly set me on a good path of physical revitalization (as well as emotional/spiritual) it reminds me of the need to honour and appreciate my body as that which houses my heart and soul. Then I must lovingly follow my path without judgment or concern for what others are doing (or not doing) with or without outside approval.

I'm happy to be eating again - I have my sights set on making lasting changes to my nutritional intake. And while my digestive system comes back on line, which is a prevalent legacy of this practice - I am infinitely grateful for the abundance of food I have access to and that I have the "luxury" and have been extended the grace, of being able to attend workshops that offer transformation and expansion and that I can actually choose to go hungry or not.

While there might be more revelations to come regarding this latest time in the circle I can say at this point that while I "hungered" for food I became distinctly aware there are other aspects of life that have nothing to do with food - that I truly hunger for.

Reunion

At birth cast adrift,
Exiled from flesh & blood.
Absent
Tradition, history, spirituality.
An alien,
Upon my Home and Native Land?

You're with us,
All this is yours.

A rift ensues,
A conflict so profound.

Reticent to renounce,
A magnificent generosity.
Offered an ill-fitting skin,
A drumbeat disharmonious.
Perhaps, it could be worse?

Internal angst,
Stirred by an ancient call:

ROOTS

The source and answer both

LISTEN

To the voice carried upon the wind

HARMONIZE

With the rhythm of the rivers

BREATHE

Along with the ebb & flow of the tides

DANCE

With the starlight

KNEEL

Before the Sun & the Moon

In all is the ONE

In One is the ALL

ALL

MY

 RELATIONS

Creative Reverie

Relentlessly rain wields erosion's chisel,
upon crag and precipice.
The artist's vision,
An apparition calling to her.

Revelation withheld,
While a courtship unfolds.
Chaperoned and shaped,
By the pirouetting winds.

The mountains carapace of granite,
Appears stalwart and unyielding.
Creativity marked by eons,
Denotes an awe-inspiring patience.

Each numinous exhalation,
Clears the vagrant cloud cover.
To reveal the face of time,
Echoing it's wisdom.