There is a We in Them!

Long before I had any idea about the inner world of groups of people that considered themselves "the in crowd" I was thoroughly convinced that I didn't belong. At the time of my life when these notions were created (or as close as I can determine) I was convinced that the outside presentation of these folks appeared so entirely more...... well, pretty much everything, by my estimation - better than how I felt inside myself, therefore there had to be something inherently wrong with me. In the paradigm of duality they were winning and I was losing - God only knows how much energy was expended either trying to win approval of these social demigods or at least evading those that needed a target to release their pent up venom every now and again. It certainly never occurred to me that they could have any fears or insecurity (for one thing I wasn't familiar with the idea of "insecurity") and again, from where I was standing, they didn't appear to be lacking anything.

Fast forward from playgrounds - through the valley of the shadow of death in the form of junior and senior high school corridors, and though I am firmly ensconced in the realm of adulthood I still observe groups of people banding together and not always just to assuage the social aspects of their humanity. Of course not every gathering of individuals has in mind "strength in numbers" doctrine and then leverages it as a means to rationalize their viewpoint, while at the same time erecting a wall of exclusion toward "them" (those that are not "us"). However, it is still a very prevalent mind-set throughout the 21st century world.

I strive to temper what once was a "perfectionist" mind-set (which for me - in truth, was based in shame and self-loathing) and embody one of excellence which still is influenced and informed by idealism. All this as a precursor to my declaration - if you seek to come together with others, in order to elevate your flagging sense of personal value and to exclude others, STOP IT! While it might momentarily feel good "to belong" and afford the relative comfort of familiarity within the clique - "all that glitters is not gold." Your "like-minded" compadres may not be as simpatico as you believe them to be - everyone may be bound by a fear of exclusion and therefore no one will speak "when the emperor wears no clothes." Think about it, how can anyone/s truly benefit from "tagging along"if in order for continued approval and association the price of admission is the administration of exclusion.

Make no mistake intolerance, exclusion, bigotry, (any of the mind-sets that end in "ism") cause profound, far-reaching, long-lasting pain! No one "deserves" the pain of exclusion and any illusory power than each or a group feels enacting it, will be short-lived with an inevitable back-lash of pain. I know there are places in my life where I have not done the "right thing" and either remained silent or even participated in behaviour toward another that lacked in compassion, empathy or any effort to understand them. In such instances my silence was complicit in what was going on; my avoidance of stepping up, governed by my fear of becoming the target. Neither is acceptable to me now - I share this in order to demonstrate that I understand the dynamics (at least as it pertains to me) not to be self-righteous or for self-flagellation.

I also have plenty of experience with the opposite end of the spectrum - i.e. stepping up and speaking out when someone was being exploited or abused in the workplace. My experience of those occasions leaves me to conclude that such actions must be taken in accordance with one's own inner compass - because on the "surface" in some of these cases, it might well appear that my efforts were fruitless. Certainly I wasn't embraced with a "heroes welcome" in fact, I was reported by individuals involved, that held positions of "rank" in the hierarchal environments I was employed, and I was "disciplined" for "insubordination." I was dumb-founded - first of all I couldn't believe I was being tagged "insubordinate" (I even asked where am I - on some remake of "Mutiny on the Bounty") I guess my lesson was that all forms of "reality" exist within the myriad of paradigms in operation. I don't happen to subscribe to them, I don't base my respect of anyone else in accordance to what they do for a living. I respect individual gifts and talents, dedication to honing one's craft etc.  but your position in a arbitrarily created system - so what? If you are part of a bigger system then nothing you do can happen without the concerted efforts of everyone else within the collective. Human relation policies in these organizations aren't worth the paper they're written on (in my experience) unless you are willing to call them into play and then you best be prepared to become very "unpopular" and drop any idea of "win or lose" or at least reframe what is at stake for silence and what will be the implications of engaging the injustices. There is all kinds of collective coercion to look the other way - such statements as "you don't piss in the pool you are swimming in" are designed to incite fear, some form of misguided "loyalty" and implies, that the perceived strength of the collective makes it's actions impeccable. Not for a minute am I suggesting speaking up is easy. However if it can be said to remain true, that "two wrongs don't make a right" - then multiplying "wrongs" exponentially, doesn't make them any more "right." 

Still it is up to the individual to determine the path they will walk. What doesn't actually hold to be true is that "one person" can't make a difference - in innumerable instances both well known and not, it has always been, that huge change has been brought about by the actions of one person. It may well be that countless others joined in - but they were "inspired" by this individual to the point where they joined what was later deemed a "cause;" which often times, the person that was attributed as being the "founder,"never had the intention of creating.  They just stood in their truth and attracted a "following" which further attracted momentum, the rest as they say - "is history!"

So really go ahead - discipline me, it doesn't change anything. I still will be guided by the authority within. I don't regret what I did and would do it again in a heartbeat - I will not be party to group-minds steeped in what amounts to abuse.

I believe strongly in inclusion - I suppose in part, my journey with mistakenly believing that I was disconnected and didn't belong (and of course experiencing no end of situations that "proved" and upheld my story) is an elemental part of this resolve. Coupled with a expanding practice of self-love and acceptance I am freeing myself from the perception of exclusion. Knowing first hand the pain of such beliefs and behaviour I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Of course I can't do anything about the beliefs someone else holds - but I can model "before and after" in my own life and lead by example.

Another element of expanded awareness around this matter for me was discovering how readily my mind was able to categorize people; based on their beliefs or behaviours and while proclaiming to believe myself to be a champion of inclusion, I was being exclusionary in my thoughts. This was most pronounced where I perceived I was being judged and "not included" - exploration of this belief system illuminated for me both the importance I was placing on being "accepted" outside myself and further to that the pain of my own self-rejection. I work at becoming more clear about distinguishing the behaviour of someone and the person and their innate spiritual nature. I can say with absolute clarity that I have never healed anything or felt inspired to grow as a person through dismissive, punitive or demeaning treatment. So I certainly can't expect that anyone would either.

So the challenge becomes loving oneself enough to not accept being treated poorly - addressing the "problematic" behaviour, requesting what you want and if that is not possible then perhaps you must move on - but doing so in the energy of love would seem to be the most beneficial. Certainly to continue to harbour anger and resentment do serve and to use these feelings a justification to respond to the other person "in kind" (eye for an eye) I can't say has ever been effective and just results in more hurt for everyone concerned.

Maybe the Three Musketeers had it right "All for one and one for all!"