It occurs to me that one aspect of living in peace is to accept rejection. At first blush perhaps the statement appears an oxymoron or that the two are mutually exclusive. My dance with the matter has me considering this not to be the case. I suppose the concern for "acceptance" (or conversely the fear of rejection) can be traced back through our ancestors for eons - hailing to times when tight knit communities existed and by and large the survival of each was dependent on inclusion within the group. As a result of this ancestral inheritance it is wired into the "survival mechanisms" of our psyche.
I am not able to say whether this programming can be deleted entirely - but I certainly can attest to how acquiescing to the unconscious demands of these fears can reek havoc on ones life. Now we humans are said to be social beings and there is no end of evidence to suggest that complete isolation isn't necessarily a very balanced approach; but neither is over dependence on the approval and validation from others.
Ultimately a healthy sense of self-approval is necessary in order to navigate through life's' inevitable rejection. Certainly one could go through life always playing it safe in order to minimize rejection, however, it would be neither a very fulfilling journey nor is it possible to avoid rejection altogether.
So when I speak of self-approval I am suggesting that no "rejection" cut's to the bone like (to keep this personal) rejection from me, toward myself. It is therefore a useful discovery process to determine if embedded in my belief system do I knowingly or unconsciously, make the rejection from others equate to my personal value. In other words do I take it personally? In order for the "rejection" of another to become my personal kryptonite, at some level, I would need to believe what they are saying or some version of that theme, was true of me. If due to this mistaken, possibly
unconscious belief, I have disdain for myself, then I will feel the pain of the rejection deeply. If I have no awareness of my own inner landscape then I could easily assign the "act of rejection" outside myself completely ignoring (being unaware) of my part in the interaction.
Coupled with how one views themselves, is the need to be clear that rejection (and there could be many of them depending on how willingly one puts themselves "out there") has everything to do with the rejector. There is no need for me to jump through countless hoops in order to try and win the approval of someone else. It's a no win proposition - there will be no respect for someone that is always "people pleasing" nor trust for that matter. You can never really know where you stand with someone that is pathologically agreeable - as in their zeal to be "liked," they are frequently not honest. I am not condemning these behaviours in others for I certainly know the pain they cause from my own journey in life. It is for this reason that I consciously seek to grow in my capacity to know myself, have taken on the practice of loving all that I discover myself to be. As Tina Turner sung "we don't need another hero...." I would agree with the line in the Hopi prophecy "we are the one's we've been waiting for."
The friendship, the "love" or approval of anyone outside ourselves, is going to continually leave an emptiness if there is little or no approval from and for ourselves. It is wonderful to feel a part of, and enjoy the connection and diversity of "community" but there is still the need to maintain autonomy and personal sovereignty. I can have teachers and mentors, there can be those that inspire me, but I never want to abdicate the teacher/mentor/wisdom within myself.
I observe the inclination of so many people to want to place different people on pedestals (often in order to eventually kick it out from under them when they prove to be human). I believe it is far more valuable to build ones own self. I don't mean in the egoic brash and sassy prideful sort of way. Over-inflation is no more attractive or satisfying than false-humility (to constantly be self-effacing in order to draw approval from others). Self love can be a pathway to increased freedom. By this I mean freedom from the bondage of self, an incremental ability to become comfortable in my own skin. God willing I'm going to be residing in it for quite sometime to come, so wouldn't it be preferable to become comfortable living there? I don't have to "imagine" what it would be like to be on the run from myself and "feel" as though no matter where I am: I'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else, with anybody else; "I just don't belong ........... pretty much anywhere (once was the constant lament of one of the more outspoken members of my inner "committee") such alienation from self! And what a welcome relief to slowly and gently over time convene a meeting with all these various committee members get to know them, befriend them, find someway to love and nurture them (which by the way - in case you've got lost in the oblique references) "them" is "me". Wasn't there an old sitcom called Herman's head? It's a little bit like that - though the aim is to harmonize all those seemingly disparate voices, not allow them to remain fragmented and in doing so allow them their reign of continued anarchy. I still do enjoy the diversion of "Netflix" however in truth, I really need look no further than my own life for endless sitcom entertainment! This I say in the spirit of love and not taking myself too seriously.
Life can be and will be, filled with all sorts of criticism and rejection wouldn't it be best then if in the face of that, I can count on myself to be on an "even keel?" I would suggest that it can't get to be a more lonely world, if I'm my own worst critic - who then would I turn to? When you look in the mirror my hope for everyone is that he or she that is looking back fully embody's to you - "that you've got a friend!
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