How barren the life that is compelled by and uses as it’s catalyst the appeasing of deep-seated fears and the quenching of the appetites of others to map it’s course; or alternatively the most base desires within ones self become the motivating force. Cast adrift upon an ocean of sorrow this traveler while on his journey is propelled onward without the benefit of guide, aboard a rudderless ship, course changes most often made possible only as his vessel is assaulted by the waves of some great storm or after careening off some unseen reef, leaving him battered and forlorn – he then swings about 180 degrees knowing that to stop and assess the damage might result in taking on too much water resulting in the ship being lost entirely, disappearing completely into the abyss. Within the hold of the ship there is a colossal volume of cargo none of which existed on board when the vessel embarked upon the voyage; all had been accumulated on route and very little, if any was required for the journey to continue. It was not until the traveler realized that he could no longer outrun the rate at which his vessel was taking on water that he reconciled in desperation the need to examine it’s inner structures to see for himself what existed in the form of solid timbers with which to rebuild.
It wasn’t until the ship had been raised from the water and laid to rest within the confines of the dry dock that the traveler had time and inclination to examine the ship’s log (within which had been dutifully and accurately recorded each day of the journey thus far) so relentless in his pursuit of the next port of call was the traveler, that he had not for considerable time reviewed the contents. As he poured over the pages he was soon struck by the vast territory he had covered – never before now had he appreciated where he had been nor spent any appreciable time considering the impact of the paths he had crossed, the lives that he had touched (or been touched by) or how any of it might have influenced the continued journey. He was deeply and profoundly saddened when simultaneously the log and the examination of the vessel revealed that largely the journey had been primarily about a search for a guidance system (to better inform the journey) while at the same time and unbeknownst to the traveler he had been running from that system which existed all along within the very vessel he used to facilitate his escape.
So many questions now occur to the traveler with relation to the use of this newly discovered guidance system – not the least of which include: can it be trusted? As he examines it further he realizes that somehow so much of the undercurrent of sadness, remorse, grief that he had varying degrees of awareness about throughout his life (but had done his utmost to avoid or at best had taken on a posture of resignation) was directly connected to the ignoring of (no, more like complete abandonment of this guidance system). What is this system and how is it possible that it remained effectively hidden from the traveler for so many years – it was in fact his own heart, that, which would allow him access to all the infinite love the universe has to offer – but so intent was he to find this love (though he didn’t know at the time that was what he was so desperately in search of) that literally the last place he looked was within his own vessel.
Much was revealed when the traveler began now to examine the “log” which was contained within his heart. Much of this consisted of the pain that existed that though his heart was ever at the ready to provide direction that would be of great benefit to the traveler on his journey. Instead he chose to ignore it all together which both created a cycle of insatiable yearning and inflicted further wounds to his heart – which of course created the continuance of a search for the existence of some balm “out there “ that would salve these wounds. Amongst the greatest of sadness’s was the realization that seldom (if ever) did the traveler ever enjoy the true heartfelt connection with another human being – this was the case with the members of his family growing up – it was prevalent through any of the “friendships” he had known (though they were more likely to have been deemed acquaintances as he would frequently move on) it existed largely in the relationships he had with various women on his journey. He observed the way in which women interacted with each other and it seemed to him that the ability to share love within their circles was so natural and done with such ease. He longed for this connection – as he examined his heart further he realized it was not just with women that he wished for this connection it was with men. Why was it that the dictates of his society seemed to shape the beliefs and behaviours of men (and even the women’s attitude towards men) this deep emotional connection was reserved only for women. He realized he did not even know the men in his own family in this way and this deeply saddened him. Men were taught to behave as though none of this was important to them but – how then could this be – he was in fact a man even still it became clear to him that his heart perhaps his very soul was yearning to know and be known to experience love within himself and to be able to share this love and connection with both men and women.
The traveler knew full well that which had been revealed to him would see to it that he would never again ply the same waters – once the voyage resumed he knew that the guidance was to come from a entirely different source – he also felt a certain sense of foreboding as he realized he may well not be sailing along the familiar trade routes but may well be embarking upon a voyage through largely uncharted waters thereby he may at times find it challenging to find a crew that would not either mutiny or abandon the ship altogether – still he knew that there was no returning to the way things had been.
No comments:
Post a Comment