Friday, 14 September 2018

For the Love in Sadness....

To begin with the above notation represents and example to me of how "God," Creation, Life, Higher Self, Universal intelligence works in my life. I saw this while walking, it is part of a larger wall motif on a local business that regularly sports ever-changing, thought provoking art.

What leads me to believe that it has anything to do with my "spiritual path?" That would be because for sometime now (in addition to living life) my focus has been one of accessing for the purpose of expression and release, of repressed grief. It has long been my experience that God gives me what I need in ways that "get my attention;" in other words, in the right and perfect, fits me like a glove, right off the rack ways. I could have just kept right on walking, without paying any attention to the wall. My destination was beyond. However, I was prompted to take a moment and pay attention. There was a potpourri of different "ideas" - all of which where interesting in themselves and further intriguing to consider collectively. None really "spoke to me," except this one!

What can I say about grief from a personal relationship with it? Intellectual conjecture in my case would be "part of the problem" - so I will endeavour to skirt that. To postulate and analyze  in this case, only serves to position me, "once removed." My discussion then, comes off as though I am talking about someone else, and their grief. Project that inclination over a life time, whereby grief and in fact most all feelings having been repressed, and damn, if that doesn't then begin to illustrate some of what I have to grieve about!!

I have nothing "against" grieving. The problem would pertain more to the fact, that I couldn't allow myself to be witnessed or perceived as someone that required the expression of grief. Much of my life, the defensive mechanisms I wove, portrayed someone that was detached, mostly aloof, and at times arrogantly disinterested/unimpressed.  To be seen as "caring" (let alone, the expression of love) was far too "vulnerable," too involved. I largely created a mindset that "expected" to be disappointed therefore there was no need to acknowledge the potentially painful reality of life's setbacks (i.e. "Life sucks and then you die...")

This says nothing of sadness or despair that might have been connected to "world events" and human tragedy. For one thing if I "allowed" myself to care about these things, I might have to do something about it... 

I know longer see myself as a "victim" of my childhood (or life in general) .. I will continue to identify the ways in which my needs as a child went unmet for the purpose of grieving and to discover exactly the ways I can now insure those needs are met.

It saddens me that there are those that have sat with me at one time or another (in various) forums and now presume to "know me." Let me clarify this for you .. you don't know spit, about me. At best you witnessed a snapshot at a particular place in time, it doesn't begin to reflect the entirety of who I am.

I find it perplexing and at times frustrating that their are those too, who position themselves as one that has "arrived" & pronounce that (frequently at the expense of some other group of people) others "should" meet their arbitrary (and severely limiting) expectations - incidentally expectations they haven't come close to attaining themselves.

I fully acknowledge my being a "work in progress" and that a great deal of my journey has been one of embracing personal responsibility and accountability. I am powerless over the behaviour and attitudes of others, just the same to those that presume to know what's best for me, I with deep compassion, empathy and love suggest you - Pound sand!!

Exclusion, oppression, shaming and negative criticism deeply sadden me. It further breaks my heart to recognize I profoundly I have acted out these very ways toward myself (& of course others).

No question ways of being and believing of mine were formed at a very young age; it no longer matters how they came about (other than to direct ongoing love and understanding toward myself now); what matters is my taking ownership of the creation of and/or taking on of this "bill of goods" and being clear about who I am now.

I am sad that I have surrendered my voice in situations where concern for "image management" or acceptance was allowed to inflict the continued wounding of self-abandonment. I feel further sadness that I have created so much isolation in my life upholding malarky about what it is to be vulnerable at the expense of allowing the presence of love in my life (even from me).

I feel great sadness for just how often I have place the needs of others ahead of my own, taken on responsibility for them (their feelings, what was theirs to resolve) and in doing so, gravely hurt myself and also denied them the dignity and benefit of their own journey. 

I will no longer buy into the opinion of others regarding who I am.

Since I began this blog site, years ago now, it has been my choice to practice authenticity and transparency. The writing that presents through me has been every bit as informative to me as potentially it may serve to others.

As indicated in the pictured quotation I believe that to the degree I can emphatically stand in who I am; minimizing reserve and self-censorship - it is to that extent that I allow the presence of love to express to me and through me. I want more love in the world.. therefore I must be more love in the world. I cannot know this love while hiding those parts of my humanity I'd rather conceal. It is my judgment and damnation I fear far more than that of any other man, women or child. The opinions of others are a mute point and none of my business.

I have nothing to "be ashamed of!!" I have no further intention of a continual apology for my existence. I will not bow, scrape or grovel for the approval of anyone. To allow myself to be at the "mercy," of anyone else, with regard to when they might decide, to let me off the hook, is to condemn myself to a potentially everlasting damnation. 

I'm going to eliminate the middle person and declare myself "off the hook" now!

R. O'Neill (September 14, 2018)

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