Wednesday, 19 December 2018

A Continued Spin

A few things present, "are stuck in my craw" this morning.  I therefore, sit before the gaping maw in the form of a blank screen, and allow a conversation to begin to transpire. I invite as many participants that deem worthy this dialogue. Then it's a matter of (to coin an old phrase) " around & around & around we go & where we will stop, nobody knows."

Speaking of "around and around"... over the time my book "What Goes Around Comes Around" was completed and came available; which is well over a year now (that being a general timeline, given there were a number of different completion sign posts) it has repeatedly come to my attention, that many people, upon reading the title, interpret it to mean some representation of "Karma" often spinning it to be flavoured, with vengeance & retribution.

I'm not about to debate or try and define for another "cause & effect" - natural consequences etc. But as it is my book: I will further clarify, it has nothing to do with revenge.

I'm human, so of course I have at times envisioned somebody (or a collective of somebodies) getting their comeuppance!! Naturally I would assess, the "crime," and fitting "punishment." I remember the first time somebody counselled, that I pray for someone in my life toward whom I harboured considerable resentment.... I quipped in response, "okay, I pray, that they step out in front of a bus...."

The difficulty with this line of "eye for and eye..." consciousness was for me, it never resolved my pain and in fact, created more as I basted myself in venomous fantasies.

The walk of my evolution (which might be well represented by a slug running the 100 yd. dash) may not have me automatically defer to "turning the other cheek".... it's probably closer to .... "fuck off" - well that felt rather good (for a nano-second) - maybe there's something to this, other cheek business... what, you then smite that cheek too??? WTF!!! well, I continue to differ to the "teacher," my life's resume would suggest "going it alone," has been less than stellar.

The choice of title: was (in hindsight) maybe more oblique than is useful (given the afore mentioned ways it is being interpreted).... Through out the book I was sharing my questions, insights, revelations, hopes, fears, inner demons etc. attained during the walking of a labyrinth (the pathway of which - "Goes around & comes around"  - eventually arriving; of course, then revealing the "completion" - immediately conjures another beginning .... & YES, "Goes around & comes around" yet again...

The journey of self-discovery (as least it has been so for me) far be it from me, to suggest how it is or should be for anyone else;  follows this same "goes around - comes around" spiralling "format" (if a life that is accentuated more by mystery than the known, can be thought for a moment, to have an explicit form).

My title was intended to contain all of that and more. I love metaphor, allegory, parable etc. I experience them quite literally as doorways. There is so much more there - than the written word. It actually can be a bittersweet irony that for me, one who has a love of words, there still remains the ineffable - that defies articulation. I suppose it to be perhaps, a part of the divine design. I can have the full "experience" those sweet moments, when the clouds ever so briefly part - but even though I want so much to share that - I can only point in what is realized to be, a very general direction - "yes, yes I can appreciate you'd like more detailed directions..." but this is all I've got!!"

"Are you sure you were there?" "Those are some pretty dodgy guidelines!!"

"Ah.. well yes, it was glorious... I mean, I'm pretty sure it was... uh well, hmm - maybe you had to be there....."  ah fuck... "How bout those Canucks????"

God doesn't need me to reveal itself (just as well, or I might somehow then, want to take credit for the experience of God - rather than stand as the embodiment of the "gifts of God" - in appreciation & love of.....)

So then, I can "vouch" for it being a worthwhile journey - and say well ya, it's over there somewhere & leave the rest to God and whomever is doing the seeking..

So to recap, I have unquestionably harboured vengeance in my heart - my book is not, about revenge. I personally don't believe that humans should be doling out revenge - nor do I believe the universe/God etc. - is sitting behind a celestial black-jack table dealing out "punishment." I believe in cause and effect, natural consequences. Even if you lock someone in prison for the rest of their life, you can't force them to be "accountable" for anything - that still remains, their choice.

More relevant to me is to determine the source of my pain (that underlies "the idea," that somehow my suffering is going to be resolved my making someone else suffer - it will not) I can learn to have compassion for my pain - and that of others... creating more suffering will never resolve anything.

Another matter that was brought to my attention came via a quick wander through a local Thrift store. I had picked up a copy of the text of one of the "recovery programs." I'm interested in their lens as it pertains to further discovery for myself - I will when all is said & done, leave no stone unturned. For the low outlay of $5.00 there might well be priceless insight.

When I was going through the checkout, the cashier asked me, "are you 60 years old?" I replied that I will be next year." She indicated that I would have been eligible for a discount as it was "Tuesday."

I joked around with her some around this, as she was processing my purchase and went on my way. Given my nature, it most certainly didn't complete for me there. I suppose the first response was "WTF, 60!!?" To that I become aware of a mixture of bewilderment, dismay, a little urgency & some gratitude. Then it was, for the love of God, let there be more to my life & more to look forward to, than discounts at the Thrift store!! Fuck this!!

Sixty! and I'm in the midst of processing the impacts of facets of my humanity that have been relegated to the same obscurity as my book - Again!!! (what goes around comes around!!) I know, more deeply, another layer of the onion...... well frankly I'm sick and tired of onions!! and, I will continue. Apparently the stones I committed to continue turning, are directly associated with those feckin' onions!!

How will I reckon with the "spiritual path," I embarked on "to save my ass," as been at times; commandeered to be another compulsive way to hide from myself and to feed my ego????

Thank God for compassion, empathy, understanding, acceptance... I mean that literally and directly to God.. I also am grateful I now have a nodding acquaintance with them for myself - so that I can open my embrace, to include all that was previously considered unloveable.

Here again - what goes around comes around. If I continue to foster a mindset that insists that punishment is merited for wide tracts of my humanity .... guess what - I will live my life, in such a fashion, that I am the recipient of ongoing "punishment."

My suffering won't lessen by pretending that all my darkness exists out there and while we're at it - "off with their heads..."

I suspect history is replete with vast carnage - orchestrated by individuals that have that world view.

Bringing it home again - (where it belongs)..... there is the matter of my pain (if indeed it is "mine" & not just my share of the collective pain of humanity).... "mine" is no more than anyone else's - of course I have spent ample time considering from the infantile perspective that - "ya but, this is MY PAIN" - somehow that is unique, special, exceptional etc. - it is not.

Just the same it can't be diminished, ignored, denied, repressed, projected, dismissed (and serve any higher good).

Do I "want" my resume to include my being envious, jealous, petty, manipulative, lying, cheating, stealing, rageful, scornful, judgemental, prejudiced, racist, sexist, privileged, abusive, inconsiderate, impatient, procrastinator, gossip, saboteur, turncoat, apathetic, cynical, jaded, sarcastic, passive-aggressive, intolerant, narrow-minded, fearful, anxious, victim, despair, hopelessness, grandiose and generally self-absorbed???

Not exactly... but I must!

Thank God for unconditional love!! That in the face of that lot, it can still prevail?? My growing sense is that it is inaccessible if I would continue to deny it for myself.......

What goes around comes around.... again!!!!! So at this time I accept with gratitude and trepidation a festive season banquet of onions..

God bless us one and all!

R. O'Neill (December 19, 2018)

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