Monday, 10 December 2018

Attention Please (Memo to myself)

This morning revealed a day not particularly "busking-friendly" - still I reasoned, if I get into town early enough, I might be able to nab the sheltered library courtyard. The coveted spot (at least I imagine it to be so) in addition to being covered, offers wonderful acoustics. First come, first serve is the understood "booking arrangement."

I have waited around in the past if someone is near finished - but generally, if I'm intent on singing, I don't really want to kill time, doing something else waiting for the spot.

Today I was "first come!"

Not long into my set, someone came from behind, tossed a coin in my case & we exchanged thanks. Then she looked up & recognized me. When she realized she "knew" me, she said, "hey I want to take that back now!!"

"Do as you please, "was my response. It made no difference to me, I don't "need" her dollar, give it open-heartedly and without strings attached, or keep it, that's the choice of the individual. It's an abundant universe, no lack of money out there, just lack of creativity with respect to offering a service or exchange, that people will get behind (that's what I hear anyway).

I offer a decent voice and a familiar repertoire, particularly if you were around in the 70's (even if not,  many of the songs and artists of that time, continue to enjoy being newly"discovered," now).

I also offer the joyful energy of doing what I love.

None of that means it will necessary be a lucrative pursuit, never mind whether it's supported at all.

So what's with this person and a willingness to be supportive of someone she "didn't know," but suggesting she wanted to withdraw her support once she recognized me? (she didn't, who knows what energies took over and had her leave the coin where she tossed it).

Just before beginning to write this, I saw a post that read:

"Your circle should want to see you win."
"Your circle should clap the loudest when you have good news."
"If it doesn't, get a new circle."

I didn't know this person well but, hers was a presentation, that I have experienced from people I have known longer. I have seen people I know coming down the sidewalk and when they see me, they cross the street and continue on their way.

I don't expect everyone to give me money. People are funny about their money and are affected by innumerable influences as to what represents "value." If you can't wish me well, or support that I have the courage to pursue what I love - endure the challenges, succeed, fail, succeed, fail...... etc.

Well I suppose, it's like the quote suggests, my bad for choosing the wrong, support network.
Many will not support you, if you succeed where they are not. Truth be told, they would prefer, the comfort of you remaining in a place of stagnation, right along with them.

I have one foot in the world of being an employee (albeit on-call casual) & one foot (some of the time) in more what I'll call, entrepreneurial pursuit.. For my ongoing needs I will need to develop further avenues of one or the other or both. I feel very little fulfillment in the former, beyond a known income source (based on how many shifts I accept)..... The rest is I suppose, "a work in progress."

Nobody that works in the health care environment, view my "extra-curricular" activity, with any respect. I'd have to say that's appears to be true, of many of people I have been associated with.

There is (in my opinion) far too much emphasis on "credential," fame, financial standing (all constructs of a system that has no interest in people finding and living their passions. Disheartened people that have abandoned their dreams, that are resigned and ideally a little fearful (make better "employees") from the standpoint of a workplace, that is far more concerned with turning a profit for the owners, than the state of the souls of it's workforce.

I'm reminded of the crabs in bucket metaphor. There is no need to put a lid on the bucket (concerned that the catch will escape).. Anytime one starts to climb toward its freedom, the other crabs will pull it back into the bucket.

I've had intermittent support at various places in time... so I'm not going to suggest I'm a "self-made" anything. I'm not really sure that it is useful to expect much in terms of support from others.. They have their own visions, goals and aspirations. I'm inclined to think an expectation (or hope) for support is courting disappointment. I'd place myself somewhere on a spectrum, having walked away from the extremes of "lone wolf.." now trying to self-determine, a healthy balance between self-reliance, and some form of community.

I really believe one need be their own: cheerleader, motivator etc. Granted that can appear to take place at times, upon a desolate backdrop. Still one needs to build a resilience within themselves for the inevitable point in time when no one is available to "support" or those that once were, have lost interest and withdrawn their attention .

I can change circles again & again... it doesn't matter what circle you are in ... there will be those that are indifferent, some antagonistic, some will become more known, some not at all. The bottom line my support of my endeavour and ongoing belief, must remain, no matter what.

I returned to a new community I introduced myself to, not long before going to Ireland (for a month). Of course, no one knows me long or deeply there. Of those I have had a more frequent interaction with, I was invited to share (in what amounted to the equivalent of the "30 sec." elevator speal) the highlight of my trip. Frankly, when faced with such a suggestion, I just want to say, ah forget it... I'm not going to desecrate my experience, trying to jam it into your limited attention span..

I had life changing experiences in Ireland I always do... but no one else give a shit! They want to bring the conversation back to the inane. Most it would seem, have been groomed to have only a limited appetite for the extraordinary - and can't wait to restore the levels of mediocrity. So given this reality, I have to, give a shit!! I have to keep my own limited thinking in check... I don't need to be, the recipient of that, from others.

I need to weed out any & all ways that my orientation to life, is still seeking validation from outside myself - it's not uncommon, but it's also not helpful. I can forgive myself for abdicating my responsibility and buying into this paradigm. I need to continue to seek- out those places that are wounded within myself; (due to not receiving the love I required) and instead of insuring that I received the requisite love, I looked for it everywhere but from myself.

It has been & it appears it will continue to be, a significant undertaking to transform my being into a residence that supports me in a life that encourages thriving & succeeding, nurtures and holds with compassion: those times I have lacked grace, erred, or downright failed - that generally cares about my well-being and makes the necessary course alterations.

Given the time it has taken me to create this truth for myself - I don't suppose I could expect anyone else, to take that much interest in what I'm doing.

R. O'Neill (December 10, 2018)

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