Thursday, 6 December 2018

Sometime, About Some time, Noting Something about Nothing

Time is an illusion. So we are told from various esoteric sources. Perhaps an underlying tenet, of  complex disciplines of science, which I wouldn't pretend to understand, or be conversant with.

For an "illusion," I can certainly attest, that when one messes with their customary relationship with it... one gets, hammered!!

I'm sitting in the dining area of a hotel, now having spent 2 full days back in Canada - since just after 4 a.m. (it's now nearly 6!). I was in Ireland for nearly a month, which represents, an illusory difference, of being 8hrs ahead of this "time zone."

I vaguely seem to recall that others I've heard discussing travel, mention coming or going as being the more impactful in terms of "jet lag." Seems to me, I was influenced in both directions.. I arrived in Ireland mid-afternoon" (local time) enjoyed the remainder of the day; within clock face value, of what would be something close to a typical pattern (whatever that is) for me. Went to bed around 11:00 p.m. feeling tired from a "day" of travel and then was wide awake at 3:00 a.m.!!! I remember then seeing 4:00 a.m. and 5 something.. Next awakening revealed 11:00 a.m. & the realization; that my affinity for the bed.... resulted in the foregoing of, the equally appealing secondary "B" (breakfast!!)

Having returned, my "eco-driven" solar powered techno-gluttonous watch; was readily readjusted (with the push of a couple buttons) to snap right back into this "time zone." Not so, this bag of bones loosely defined as "me."

I have been operating within what would be "average" time parameters ... expending energy, living and experiencing my current location - my body however, would seem to be proclaiming, "Feck that!!"

I was "dead" tired last night around about 7:00 p.m. (either end of the travel experience for me seems to avail a form of "tired"- that I typically don't subject myself to) - I suppose on one hand, it is a demonstration of what is available with respect to "inner resources." I think it safe to say, that kind of tired is not sustainable. We came back to the hotel room.... I stretched out for "a while.." and a "power nap" - becomes something closer to coma.  A few hours later, upon waking, the prospect of undressing and preparing, to "go to bed.." - feels far more arduous than it merits.

Gratefully sleep is attained once again. For what felt a reasonable period of "time." Nature calls - I answer - I avoid a "time check," I really don't want to know. Another short respite in bed and I'm aware; I have more consciousness of the heater/air-conditioner,  a few jet airliners winging their way elsewhere and "morning?" commuters. "What the hell are they doing on the road already???" At, ah shit... 4:00 a.m.!!!!" More to the point, why am I awake to partake, in a "pre-morning," experience.

There's not a hope I'm going back to sleep!! Now the room & another being, ASLEEP!!! begin to feel as though they are closing in on me... I can't let my "insomnia," bring someone else into the murky abyss of sleep deprivation..... Can I?

No ... this is my fate.. a quick check in to inform I'm going to take my laptop elsewhere. I will dance this one alone.

How surreal is my impression of my situation. Geographically, I'm somewhere between where I've been and where I'm going. More immediately, I'm at a table, beside an adorned pseudo-tree. I have as my audio-backdrop "the Global News" (I sat as far away from it as possible).. it is audible, but I would have to pay attention to take in any of what is being "reported."

There are people I love and care about where I've come from .. the same is true about where I'm going. Will I actually live long enough, to become adept at navigating my own heart? Loved ones left behind, loved ones with whom to reunite. Christmas..... chains of seasons past .. rattle and reverberate at this "un-Godly" hour - creating a cacophony of emotions "time-stamped" elsewhere - experienced now!!
Where and how and if, I celebrate - there will be many that will not, "lift a glass of cheer" along with me.
A long walk in Vancouver resulted in passage through "the East end." The streets for blocks and blocks, lined with survivors/casualties of mental illness/addiction/homelessness/violence/hopelessness /despair. The most glaring part of that statement, is that I "passed through." I can't begin to know, of the untold suffering of anyone of those souls. Addiction marred and wreaked havoc in my life for 15 years, I could have been walking those very streets, just the same, with no perceived way out. Maybe I should have been. I know the futility of asking "why me, why this, why that..." - just the same, I'm clear - I'm not any more deserving of being spared that fate, than anyone living there. There is no one there, that "deserves that life!!"

Meanwhile, they "news" - focuses on the memorial service and glorification of a U.S. War Criminal/President). I acknowledge his "loss" will impact his family, while at the same time, world "leaders" with lesser or equal legacies of atrocity have been vilified, and used as scapegoats for dubious military strikes,  he receives a "heroes," send off.

I suppose his passing will ensure "justice," will never be served and though perhaps truth remains unassailable .. I wouldn't know, in this case, when it extracts the requisite accountability.

Even though I was no longer able to sleep, I don't "feel," a suitable match, for the requirements of the day that I was given the jump on. Today I will make the journey back to "Vancouver island" to the wee small hamlet (which itself, would now be saying "I'm a city, damn it...") "Yeah, yeah..." whatever you say...."

To get there from here, there is a "sky-train" ride, to connect with a bus, to be delivered to the ferry, where we will join the ranks of the "walk-on" passengers (a respite in the form of the 1hr. 40 min. ferry journey) then another bus into town and potentially a last bus, in order to be delivered closer to my apartment.

The fatigue that has been fed, by packing "excess," will be compounded by the same excess. Anything I have considered about "simplifying" my life, will not provide me with the brawn or energy to meet the demands that I have in part created and lay before me. On the other hand, there are those facing today... at various places upon the face of some clock - and they face far more onerous realties than I.

I have come to know at various places "in time," that I have no idea, what I'm capable of. Through these experiences - I am unable to hold myself the same way as I did previously. I'd have to say, that is still true. Even armed with the knowing of what I have come through, or accomplished (the mental, physical, emotional, spiritual challenge & growth) I'm still inclined to "rest on the laurels" of past accomplishments; and/or, lay out a path, that isn't going to "ask too much of me."

I suspect that given the "time," my day began today, I may pay a corresponding hit later today; that might look completely contradictory to, the "posted time."

The breakfast area, is now full of hotel guests - commencing their day. "Don't they know, the day began 3.5 hrs. ago???" Of course for all I know, I might be ready to hit the sheets again, about the time I supposed to check out of here.

The world operates on clock driven, schedules - which of course have a dodgy relationship with what is actually occurring. My return trip began, with my first flight being nearly an hour later than scheduled to take off. One can hammer on the schedule cited on computers, emails, tickets... bring in as defence witnesses, any number of clocks - and it all amounts to nothing.... In this case, regardless of "time schedules," - what was relevant, was "having missed what was previously your flight to Vancouver, would you like to see about getting on another plane heading that way, or consider, an "unplanned" - experience of London." I chose the former - so I had, that experience.

I had brought down a book I found yesterday in a used book store, incase I was unable to fill my "time," on the computer. The book an autobiography of Keith Richards...  It occurs to me, (and I haven't even started the book, other than read random sections, while I was still in the book store) - that this story will represent to me an example of someone that lived unapologetically as themselves!!)

It is quipped endlessly in the media, that against all odds - this guy is still alive! I've had various experiences with "extremes." At some points the consequences have been undesirable (albeit I suppose "educational.") Other times if I had not pushed, some pre-existing envelope I wouldn't have had the innumerable amazing life experiences.

I have enjoyed the "Rolling Stones" for years. Saw them once in concert back in the early 80's.  The book appealed to my curiosity. I also had reasoned, it would be a welcome departure from "spiritual/personal growth" titles. It's possible, I won't achieve that objective through this book. Here is an authentic account,  of a life well lived. I'm clearly not going to "walk in his foot steps." But I might learn a thing or two about relationships, with time. After all, as already noted - he has outlived anybodies expectations (maybe even his own). The Rolling Stones collectively and individually, have broken all the "records," in terms of longevity of career (in "Rock and Roll" no less - that of itself, usually imposes a significantly present, finite life "time.")

"Maybe next time" No "time like the present." "Time is on my side" If not this time, perhaps another." "Time waits for no one." "Time heals all wounds" "Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time" "How did it get so late so soon?"

As can be seen, there are innumerable observations about "time." It might be an illusion, but in that case there exists a great deal being said about nothing.

R. O'Neill (December 06, 2018)

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