Tuesday, 9 October 2018

My Creator calls the Tune....

My own healing journey has been revelatory for me today. My foundation, or that which I will assert needs to be included as one of its "Keystones" can at times be allowed (by me) to be assailable. What I speak of is my own sense of, the goodness of me - which is not entirely absent; but I discover I will abandon quite readily. I'm not referring to some aspect of self-aggrandizement or any over-inflated sense of self. I'm mean specifically that the essence of who I am is good the truth of which is non-negotiable. I'm not here to debate whether that is true of all humans - I will leave that to be articulated by each in their own time. I will state uncategorically, it is true of me.

Though by no means the first catalyst of its kind, this whole Kavanaugh affair and accompanying Trump toxic diatribe has most definitely been pushing my buttons. To be clear, I'm well aware these are my buttons and they have long pre-existed the "Trump presidency."

There have been times in my life when the rage and self-hatred specifically targeting me and me as a male; has conspired to take me out and was nearly successful. Did I heal this juggernaut in it's entirety? I discover no I did not! I set into motion my version of the patriarchal shuffle and I busied myself, making money/spending money and engaging in the shell-game of distractions (and numbing strategies) all of which are embraced, encouraged and worshipped by "our society at large; that enabled me to repress it all (for the most part).

The "rise of the feminine" which does include some, riding the wave; that have done little or no personal healing work; which then generates for me rhetoric which mirrors very closely - my own unhealed masculinity. Even the repressed rage of those that are speaking as a necessary part of their own healing - could and can be taken out of context and entangled in some of what is mine to heal (maybe not by myself) but I am, responsible, for what is mine.

That's where it gets tricky. My psyche (or some part of my survival mechanism would have been "happy?" that these wounds never saw the light of day again. My (let's just call it) wellness wants the lid taken entirely off and the swamp drained - etc.

I won't try and minimize myself with regard to my being one of patriarchy's spawn (and collateral damage); but neither am I one of its, worst offenders.

I have to find the path to excise the wounds (mine) - actually I'm on it. In the meantime it is imperative that I look after myself - throughout what figures to be a deluge of verbal assault. The perception of "assault" would only ring true when I'm unable to arrest my own unhealed inner dialogue - or become unclear for that which is my responsibility. There will always be those that wish to divest themselves of their responsibility. There will always be those that are "overly responsible" masquerading their "rescuing" as virtue (when it's actually disempowering) neither extreme is healthy for me.

My standing with someone - is not, my doing it for them! Nor is it, continuing to shame or hold myself responsible for, what another must heal.

Whatever your wound and whatever it's cause - I cannot and will not, lose sight of the goodness of me.

At this time, my commitment is to truth. (and of course to do no harm). If I can stand with you, I will. At other times my stand with you - may take the form of a stand - for me. If I cannot separate your wound from mine - I will step back, rather than defend. When I can find my centre (the goodness that is me) I will rejoin you. I set the safety margins for myself.

I will not sacrifice myself to the fire of your healing.

I will not consume you in the fire of my own.

Creator - Please allow me the direct experience of the goodness of me.
I willingly release all within myself that stands in my way.

Let it be done!

R. O'Neill (Oct. 09, 2018)

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