Today's offering might well be best described a "stew." Maybe the only thing different about that and many of the other posts I have generated; is that I am openly stating it out front. It feels like a day that is a maelstrom of different ideas. a fray or perhaps a tapestry of assorted threads. As such, thus far, a specific direction hasn't solidified - so then, I feel called to allow for it all, rather than prematurely seeking refinement and in doing so, leaving the ripe fruit on the tree.
For clarities sake I'm not speaking of confusion - au contraire, I'm feeling I'm in a particularly fertile space. On my computer desktop is a picture I created with the help of a willing coffee shop patron, which depicts me "on route to Belfast." I looked at this picture before beginning to write. I have this same picture printed and on my refrigerator door. These are a couple of the visual anchors that are helping me to begin to move, my dream, from the imagined to the real.
I am now in that same chair as I write this. In a way I feel this represents a conscious connection today, with my dream. Though this coffee shop is a frequent destination for me - I don't insist on sitting in "that" chair. I had actually initially sat on a sofa (one of the only remaining comfy chairs). When a gentlemen got up and vacated the arm chair - I thought, I'll move there, I don't need to be occupying an entire chair designed for two; after all I only have one butt.
It was after I relocated that I saw the picture on my laptop and made "the chair connection." I feel in a somewhat altered state. Yesterday I was "scheduled" to work an afternoon shift (3p.m. - 11:00p.m.) With only about an hour remaining in that shift, I was asked if I would "like" to extend and work the night shift (11:00pm - 7:00 a.m.). Over the past year, since I began working again in health care, I have declined any and all "night shifts;" except the one that was part of the new employee "orientation." My first response was no thanks, I actually work again tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. I had already thought of this, that's a short term around. I'd be home and in bed around midnight and then up again at around five in the morning. The nurse that had made the "offer," went away looking dejected - the shift would still need to be filled; or the staff that did show would be working short. Not specifically my problem, I'm just outlining the scenario. She came back a few minutes later and said - "if you can stay we can give your "day-shift" back to staffing to fill tomorrow, you will get the day off and be paid overtime for the entire night shift."
This would be where the "dream" began to assert itself upon my waking consciousness.
"Belfast"
(I might add this is going on while she is standing there while I pondered her proposal).
"I've already worked 7.5 hrs. now, instead of nearly finished, I'm going to start again for another 7.5 hrs. through the middle of the night!?"
"Belfast"
Nurse : "You could go now and come back after you get yourself some snacks etc."
Me: "Nothing is open now."
"Belfast"
Nurse: "The Thrifty's at the mall is open until midnight, you could even come back then - I'll tell them you are coming in, once you get turned around."
"Belfast"
Yes got it - Belfast, this action, in and of itself, will not get me there; but this might well be the most right and perfect thing, I can do today, toward getting there.
Me: Okay sure, I'll do it.
She was most grateful, as were the "night staff" - but I'm getting ahead of myself.
True to her word, she let me go 45min. before the end of my current shift, so I could go to the grocery store. As I'm walking to the store, I'm thinking, the fresh air will be good and the opportunity to step away from the work environment to collect myself. Seriously? I'm going to stay up all night, I've been up since 7:00 a.m. (that will make 24hrs straight!) However the first two hours are "time and a half" the remaining 5.5 hrs are at double time!! Ok - I can do this, I still don't want a steady diet of Night shift, but I can see how this aligns perfectly with the greatest good for all.
Overall the shift went well, there was a window of time somewhere between 2 and 4 a.m. where I was thinking (and feeling) "this is just wrong!" but it passed. I was offered the opportunity to leave 45min. early which I gratefully accepted. I walked home - expanded in the knowing, okay I did it! I don't entirely know, what I'm capable of, I am frequently surprised, the well is far deeper than I would imagine. The "bucket" looks a like "Yes" or at least "maybe." I don't know what the dream will ask of me or what I might be called to upon the path, to realizing the dream. I'm beginning to wonder if rather than the idea of "living the dream" - is it possible, that with my willing allowance, the "dream lives me?"
The above anecdote is one "explanation" for my statement of perceived "altered-consciousness." It by no means is the only explanation. It is this "state" that I'm suggesting, might allow for exploration and discovery. So to continue with the "dream thread," it occurs to me that the dream already has existence. (maybe along with countless other "dreams") To get "to it" from here, which of course makes a linear process out of something that is non-linear; there will be a series of unknown occurrences. Let us imagine the crossing of a river (a river that is wide enough the other side cannot be seen at this point) the journey might begin: "at this point if you take off your shoes and roll up your pant cuffs you can proceed....." it's not apparent until commencement and being underway that next: from here, you will need to traverse that fallen tree (that is partially submerged and might be a little slippery)........ beyond here (and as before, unknown until the current requirement of the journey is complete): there are a series of submerged rocks, as you reach each, you will see the next..... and then finally as you stand in the middle of the river, far enough across that the bank you left can no longer be seen, but neither can you see the one your heading for........ from here you pretty much have to swim the rest of the way........ "What?" why wasn't I informed of this from the start?" "What was the point of wading, traversing and hopping, if I was only going to need to get soaked and swim anyway?"
"Would you have started if you knew you'd have to swim the entire distance?"
So then, I can't say that "I'm tired" though, I'm sure sleep will come easily tonight.
Before leaving to come into town I attended to the present moment priorities regarding my finances. On the end table beside my chair are some of the tools I utilize. Scraps of paper with "account" passwords & written reminders of what payments are due, to whom and when. I guess I'm a visual person in that respect, it helps me keep it all straight. If I try and commit all that to memory it becomes unmanageable. I love the feeling of manageability with ease and grace. I take note of the next credit card balance payment - I have not only maintained the payment, I have brought the "minimum due" down (albeit a few dollars - still, it inspires me to see the progress and not just be "floundering in it all) I can and will handle it all.
I sat and rolled coins that had been amassed through busking lately. The total more than compensates for "loss of work" while I attended the workshop last month. The amount pads my checking account and buffers the balance, so that my mortgage payment tomorrow, is easily handled. Even the cheque I thought was going to be "compromised" due to the days in workshop, was ample. Keeping track of when I've worked and creatively accepting shifts; that have a mix of evenings/weekends and now this night shift, means I can avail myself of "shift differentials." This amounts to more money, for less hours than had I done the same work "Mon. - Fri." I don't always know what day it is - but this allows freedom from the "I hate Mondays" "Thank God It's Friday!" "Oh it sucks I have to work the w/e" mindsets. It's more like "Thank God" I have a variety of income sources" With ongoing creativity, I look forward to diversifying further, the ways money flows to me." "I live fully in the present, so any day can be the w/e." "I can work as it suits me and rest when needed - there will always be more than enough" "The day/s of the week don't represent my happiness or security."
I am gaining some first hand experience of "God is in the Details." What I used to deem the "mundane" - brings me great pleasure. Attention to the "mundane details" reaps great rewards and therefore invites the sublime on a more frequent basis.
I purchased a new pair of pants a couple days ago; to replace a pair I have been wearing seasonally and where my waistline aligned, since 2011. I arrived at work the other evening and there was a tear across the thigh of the pants. It must have let go when I swung my leg over my bike to ride to work. I pondered "patching them." Then I chuckled at the legacy being represented! God bless you Mom - but no, I won't necessarily uphold the tradition of patches on patches! I remember when I was young, some of the patches she installed - on the positive side, they were probably near bullet proof. They did however, make sitting comfortably challenging, as it was like having your leg "splinted." I'm not talking about unbridled consumption here - I'm saying, even if I choose not to clad myself in imported business casual, "GQ" designer "blah blah blah (ok, I might have some further peace to make with the "dress for success" paradigms) I don't have to be the embodiment of Oliver Twist.
I had other pairs of regular length pants - but I was considering the need to replace these 3/4 length pants. They were both comfortable for current unseasonably warm Spring temperatures and the hotter temperatures, of the approaching Summer. They are particularly comfortable working in the residential care setting. I knew an outdoor store carried a line of pants both in that style and of a material that I knew to wear well. I was a little hung up on the price! I was guided to go ahead and get them - there was nothing "frivolous" about this purchase; spending money on quality (myself) and the merchandise, would not create some deficit elsewhere - I live in abundance. And you don't have to squeeze into the smaller waist size now, because you don't want to "spend the money again" on another pair." Enjoy and be comfortable with what "fits" now; if your body continues to transform and a smaller size is required - the resources will be available at that time.
Before I left my apartment today I was about to take another antibiotic tablet when I suddenly realized this bottle of pills was supposed to be taken (to completion) over a seven day period. There is not the number of pills remaining that would last for what would be another four days. Instantaneously I realized I had taken the "four" from the instruction: "Four tablets/day"and had been taking them every four hours (instead of every six). Hmm.. well I suppose the infection around my new piercing is still being "treated" - but will it still be as "effective" as the intended dosage, over the intended time frame? It was clear the increased dosage wasn't causing any adverse effect (a side from maybe a little intestinal busyness). Can't undo what has been done - I suppose the Pharmacist could help me sort this out.
I went to the drugstore and explained to someone in a white coat (could have been a Pharmacist or Tech.) "the error of my ways." She assured me that at this point, if I finished off the prescription with the intended frequency, the real question was "has the infection cleared?" If after a few days of completion, signs of infection returned, then that antibiotic was not the ideal choice and another would be selected. There was no benefit to replenishing the supply to complete the original 7 day schedule. That would just mean additional ingestion of drugs, for potentially little to no gain. In other words "more is not better." I wasn't looking for more - I just wondered if I had disrupted the ideal efficacy?
I couldn't have educated myself, availed myself of the training and skills of an expert while acquired up to the moment intervention guidance; had I not been willing to admit I had made a mistake. Here's what happened, you know more than I do, can you please help me, what do I do now?
So "a mistake" is not necessarily a call for punishment or humiliation; a step in the direction of humility, can actually get me back on course; or, redirect upon a new course toward the same end.
First I must be willing to acknowledge where I am - that I don't have all the answers that will take me closer to my goal/dream. There are those that may show up along the path, that can offer the key to the next piece of the puzzle. I might need to ask - is there a better way to get to where I'm going, than than my current path? And then to keep letting go, of thinking I know what "my answers" are going to look like.
But nonetheless listen, pay attention: the "dream/s" are waiting to be heard -
And
God is In the Details!
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