As I begin this blog article, I am aware that once it is posted, I will have reached three hundred entries. What is the significance of this? What does it mean? It might well be meaningless and of no significance, to anything or to anyone but myself.
What I can say with reasonable assurance is that I am far closer to blog post number, three hundred and one, than I was when I first started. There is also a very strong likelihood that it will occur. I started this endeavour back in the fall of 2011. At that time, I had been dabbling in written expression, I was reticent to call myself a "writer;" I was looking to get my writing "out there" and further develop, the "habit of writing." I had shared my writing with a small number of people and received enough positive reflection, that I felt encouraged to further what I had started.
What have I started? I don't know, but despite rather large gaps in continuity when I began; the habit of writing seems to be gaining momentum. Trust me when I say, one such as me, that possesses a rapier like capacity for criticism (historically, mercilessly and relentlessly directed at myself) envisions far beyond "quantity." As such, numbers won't represent the crowning glory.
What they might represent however, is a demonstration of intention, an establishing and refining of a connection and a necessary developmental unfolding. There are powers a foot, energies eager and waiting to engage. What began as a desire to express "out there" calls for a complete "about face" beckoning increasingly deeper: "in here." To drink from an infinite well-spring, writing is being employed as a form of "divining rod." In this the number of attempts, is both significant and insignificant.
Numbers can represent a linear process - this, is anything but. Having said that and keeping in mind that as subjects go, hailing back to my fledgling days in "academia," I never demonstrated a particularly profound grasp of math. From where I sit now, I know this to have had nothing to do with a lack of intelligence. It had more to do with, nobody impressing on me, any relevance regarding the subject at hand. When I did engage, I couldn't follow the methodology being demonstrated - I could deliver the "correct answer," but I couldn't "show my work" (how I arrived at the answer) so it was marked "incorrect," (or given partial marks at best). This scenario was further exacerbated by calling me to the front of the room and insisting that I "solve the problem" on the blackboard - I wasn't "allowed" to do it my way, so after absorbing the mortification of what felt to me like waiting for the firing squad to finally pull the trigger, I was told to sit down. (and by the way Master Mason why are you holding the chalk in your left hand?)
I soon decided there is no point to this. Though it would be many year later that the "Eagles" penned "Hotel California" - I had my own version going on:
"Welcome to High School Mathematics" - there are integers here, fractions appear, shame's most certainly near
Once the bell tolls - plenty of seats, for more Mathematics
Correct answers deceive - must have cheats up your sleeve
You can check out my friend - but you can never leave!!!!!!
All this to say, who am I, to be addressing anything from a numbers frame of reference? My answer, who am I, not to? (and no I can't show you my work!) There is no virtue in seeing the world through the language of numbers and equations - equally true, for those that don't. It's just a "language" - one form of symbols through which to express, communicate and understand from a certain viewpoint. It is not the only viewpoint and not everyone "speaks that language." Demeaning someone for having a different window on the world, makes about as much sense as admonishing a salmon; for its lack of tree climbing ability, by saying "Mr. Salmon you are a poor excuse for a chimpanzee!"
So to me, this number of posts I refer to might represent "time in the saddle." It is an "achievement" without being an arrival. It's possible "where it is going" might appear within the next post; or, at post number three thousand three hundred and thirty-three.
I know that it engages me like few other pursuits do. Time melts, boundaries vanish, and "worlds" merge. I cannot assure anyone else it will or will not, do the same for you.
Through the journey that has been partially described herein beginning with framing quantity - I realize that both my "gift of the gab" and propensity to write; must be balanced with and can never replace, the continued development and deepening of listening.
It's entirely possible that what I learn to hear, may be vastly more important than what I say! In this light a symbiotic relationship appears. A form of expression develops a sense of "hearing" so that in due time, it (expression) can be informed from an entirely different avenue.
The "Penguins" whom had names such as "Sister Mary ................" expressed their assessment of me stating "he's very bright - but he must learn to apply himself!" (this assumed that the only worthwhile application of myself, was determined by them). There was far more emphasis on the caliber of penmanship than what was written. (Strangely invited through the use of wooden rulers upon knuckles).
Wherever they may be now, I say to them - you were not just dressed in a "habit" you represented a vast many habits. I see you far more than you might care to imagine. You can be forgiven your lack of innovation - you merely contented yourself in the perpetuating of your various legacies; some which you venerated - others that held you in bondage.
I thank you for what may have seemed to have been "means" that were incongruent with your aims. You might be interested to know, I am now "applying myself!" (liberally and authentically).
Guess what - I'm a writer now!
Ya - my "penmanship" still sucks!
Maybe I should have been a doctor!!
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