I perceive myself to be on the brink of failure. What form does this failure take? That this day would culminate, without my having created and posted to my blog. With all that is occurring upon our planet collectively and individually could this possibly have ramifications that matter? Only if I make it matter I suppose. There are those that read this blog of mine. I don't even know who "they" are. Would I be "failing" them, if I don't appear with the patterned frequency I have maintained lately?
Perhaps, but equally possible and maybe more important to ask, would I be failing myself? I don't have a specific criteria by which I determine, what comprises an acceptable standard that each blog post must meet, before I put it up. Today I seem to be up against a "concern" I have nothing to contribute, that attains a standard, which I just stated doesn't exist.
Given I've just articulated an illusory standard, what then is this concern for "failure?" I actually know it cannot be "avoided." Successful completion is not a given on the one hundredth attempt never mind the first. If this is true then what stands in the way of simply beginning?
If failure is a given component of learning and growing then failure itself is not my stumbling block - it would be what I make failure mean.
I'm not entirely risk adverse. However there seems to be occasions where somewhere within my being becomes convinced that there is far more at stake.
A couple of situations presented today that created for me a significant sense of "vulnerability." The first was at the public library. I had gone there to explore the possibility of busking in the courtyard. When I discovered there to already be someone playing there - I decided to go into the library and search for a book that had been recommended to me.
I have had a library card for quite sometime so far I have only used it to "check out" dvd's or cd's. It has been "years" since I accessed the system within the library through which one "searches" for a book. Of course it is all computerized now. First I needed to determine which computers were the library search stations versus those that where there for public computer access.
The need to ask made me aware that I felt some apprehension around the fact that I didn't know which was which.
Once I was pointed in the direction of the appropriate stations I was able to effectively search for the title I was looking for. I went upstairs to the stacks to find the book only to discover the rows ended just short of the file number I was looking for. I asked another library employee on that floor where I might find the "900's - back downstairs, in a section of the library that isn't even immediately obvious or visible was the answer.
I went back downstairs confident I was on the "right" trail and when I got to the section and narrowed in on the number I could see that there were most certainly books that were of a similar subject matter (Ireland) but despite the computer indicating my title was there - it wasn't. Oh God, what have I done wrong?
Back to the computer to make sure I didn't miss something on screen. I brought the title back up and sure enough it was there ("one in stock", "no holds") - seriously?? school kids likely can manage this process! what the hell?
There was an senior women at the computer next to me (oh for the love of God I'm going to expose myself as not knowing how to use the library?) I asked her - do these computers indicate that an available title is here at this branch?
"No it could be at any of the local branches", she says. "How do I find out where it is then, I already searched the shelves and it's not here."
She pointed to the link that indicated where the book was located. In part the riddle was solved, it was at an entirely different branch than where I was.
As though she knew I was on this particular avenue of self-discovery she then says to me, "did you know you can have the book sent to the branch of your choice?"
"No I didn't - that's good to know, I said." Hmm... I would still like this book, and I now know that it can be sent here..... except shit!! I have no idea how to make that happen!
"So how do I get this book sent here?"
"Do you have an account activated with the library so that you can do things online?"
"Ah.... well... I've had this card for a while and..... er....... (oh fuck... how good could this book be anyway?..... NO wait I can do this... I think I can do this... what if I can't do this?)
"Well I know that I get notifications when things I checked out are due and I have been able to extend them via email - is that the same thing?
"Scroll back up the page," she instructs "and click on the accounts link."
"Ok I've done that."
"Now enter your user name" (my what? I've never used this before, do I have a "user name?" Would that be the barcode number on this card?
"What is that - your library card?"
"Yes it is."
"Okay enter that number and then your password."
"Is my password the same as the one I use to go on the computerized check-out terminals?"
"Probably she says - it has four numbers."
I entered the numbers and bada -bing a new screen appears through which I am able to reserve the book from it's current location and have it sent to my current location. I thanked her for her help.
"It's really a pretty good system and it's very simple to use."
"ya thanks for that I needed emphasis on how simple it is."
"Yes I can see it's pretty straight forward once one knows the procedure." "So now will I be notified on through my email when the book arrives here?"
"I'm not sure, you'd better go ask someone at the front desk."
"yes absolutely I need to go and lay bare before someone else my lack of prowess with the library system?"
"Okay, thanks I will do that."
After learning that indeed the notice will come via email and then I have five days to pick up the book I left the library, heartened on the one hand that I had learned something new; while at the same time also aware that there was some internal duress that wasn't necessarily situationally congruent.
The other situation occurred while I was busking. I had gone to another part of town and was doing my thing. Nothing new about that or the location. While I was playing a fellow stopped and appeared to be intensely scrutinizing me. As I said I have relative comfort with public performance - though admittedly many people pass by without direct attention. The focused attention of this guy was somewhat unique. He stood right in front of me - I suppose within what might have previously been considered my personal comfort bubble.
I was aware it felt "weird" but I continued to play and sing anyway. I both managed to "be the observer" and not get tripped up in the performance of that song. There was a inner tension that was something like "I want attention" but "not this much attention."
When I was finished the song, he applauded and was full of compliments and reflections that were unlike any I had ever previously received. The commentary was not the antidote to what I had previously been feeling - however I could recognize that the "vulnerability" could have been an impetus by which I denied myself the opportunity to receive some generous feedback.
All in all - a day of unexpected discovery. Fears around failure had been triggered - no particular failure even occurred.. except maybe failure to have compassion for my learning.
Another "aha" was the relationship between "vulnerability" and connection - I'm sure that dance has only just begun!!
No comments:
Post a Comment