Wednesday, 27 December 2017

Transformation - Not Resolution...

I received a .gif video file from a friend today. I believe I have the technical terms correct. It depicts a clock which first depicts juxtapositioned as each of the numerical references on the face; a series of qualities/experiences to be released from 2017.

The list includes: Stress, Anxiety, Disappointment, Disease, Corruption, Hate, Setbacks, Failures, Regrets, Chaos, Darkness.

I don't think it would require much convincing to suggest, this lot most certainly ought to be considered for release, in no uncertain terms. Yikes!!!

Now before you presume I'm about to suggest a "head in the sand" posturing; or some form of "spiritual by-pass" - I am not.

I acknowledge that I will potentially have moments with some of these, combinations thereof - hell, all of them at once - even before getting out of bed on some occasions.

This seems as good a time as any to offer the list that appears as seeds of inspiration for 2018:

Bright, Healthy, Successful, Prosperous, Peaceful, Exciting, Loving, Calm, Positive,  Beautiful, Hopeful.

Now then, just as I am not saying I will avoid or eliminate the occurrence of the former list; I'm not suggesting, that I will embody the latter list all day every day.

Of the former list, I can continue to ferret out, in what ways any of these qualities are influencing my life. I can develop a new resolve in the face of failure and setbacks. I assure you,  I know they are coming. I have set in motion a long standing dream that involves (for me) "playing a far bigger game" - I don't even know where my comfort zone is anymore. Which means there's no shortage of the unknown (truly I suppose there always is - I'm just not deluding myself, with the false illusion "that I know.."anymore) learning curves abound. What does that mean? Failure, unforeseen setbacks, miscommunications, lack of understanding, targets attained, targets missed.... Wrong feck'n target altogether!!! The "Success" of the latter list cannot come without the "Failures" of the former list.

I believe the point to be, not to be overwhelmed in the face of the presentation; of what resides, on the first list. And especially, don't allow fear of experiencing any or all of it, to prevent taking the shot. For me, there is a stark distinction between the "disappointment" experienced in a failure or setback (which I see as being "acute"/short-term in nature) & the chronic pain of the anguish experienced ignoring ones own soul-yearnings.  Someone once said, "the difference between a Master and a beginner, is the master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried." So failure is not to be avoided, feared or the source of damnation - it is just another brick in the path..

So the former list of experiences is not going anywhere... if I'm not experiencing them personally; they are occurring constantly, in the world around me. I believe the difference is, "where do I want to focus my attention?"

I can anchor my intentions in the latter list qualities. What will it take for me, to develop a more consistent embodiment of that spectrum of energies and experiences? If I find myself "up against" list "A" occupants .... what is required to move even every so slightly, toward elements of List "B." I realize none of this is a linear process .. but for the sake of discussion, even a step toward "Brightness" from the "Darkness.." is an affirmative, positive, empowering move.

A constant focus on all that is dark, corrupt and negative in the world; will do nothing, to resolve any of it. If it could, it would have happened long ago. That's my observation. My experience, is at various places in my life, I saw nothing but, the dark clouds. If you dared to present me a "silver lining;" I would just spend some time, weaving it in a dark cloud of its own.

I spent 15 years of my life in active addictions. Now over 30 years clean & sober, still, within that period of time; I've experienced, divorce and "reassignment of assets" (many of which were assigned - Gone), an extended period of no visible income (while I still had a mortgage) ... death of both parents in the same year... legal battles - in my early sobriety (everything seemed so bleak I contemplated and planned everyday for two months, my suicide - a personal spiritual experience rerouted that trajectory)

I know the darkness, I know chaos, disappointment, corruption etc.  I also had some "hard-ass" teachers (many were the qualities on that list) but also, those individuals that came into my life, that pointed out to me, in no uncertain terms, the part I played in creating my own catastrophes. (one can become so accustomed to chaos and disaster ... it is actually uncomfortable; should it subside, for any length of time..) and then what do you suppose I would do in that case.... simple, go and stir up some chaos.. ah- now, that is familiar... Speaking of "Hate" - I despised those guys (my teachers) when they exposed these parts of me to me.... until I realized the hatred was me .. toward me - that they were helping set me on a path to freedom, from these ways of being and believing...

I don't presume to have all the answers to all the pathology and circumstances that are a part of various experiences. I do believe, that attitude and mindset, can have a marked influence on any situation. I don't claim to be the sole author of my transformation - I have been incrementally willing; to do what it takes, to allow my soul, to author transformation. It has not been easy - there was no "Polly-Anna" anywhere to be seen.. there was, copious amounts of facing myself.

I fully intend to experience as much and as many qualities on that latter list as I possibly can.  I will bring them into being ... by being them in what I bring.... I don't know any other way. This is my version of Gandhi's "We must be the change we wish to see in the world..."

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